Thursday, December 06, 2007

Johnny, The Pro-Feminist

I remember watching some feminists on TV some time ago. These women, after tirelessly fighting for voting rights, equal pay, pregnancy without men, and causing 9/11 (Pat Robertson said it, not I), is now fighting to take back history.

Not the fact that most great historical political leaders, such as Ghengis Khan, Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Sun Tsu, George Washington, Julius Cesar, Adolf Hitler, or either one of the George Bush's were men, nor the fact that most historical religious leaders, such as any one of the Popes, the prophet Mohammad, Jesus, or Buddha were also men.

No.

They want the word changed.

History, as they say, is His-story. Therefore the word is a word of contempt. A 'five-across-the-eye' if you will. The A2M of the English language. And it ought to be Herstory.

Well boy howdy. I didn't create the word, I only learned it. I'm sure there is a whole Germanic/Latin/Greek root where some out of work English History major can disseminate the absurdity of this demand, but I'm not so insensitive.

I'm an enlighten man. And I demand you take the whole lot of them. Here are some suggestions I have carefully prepared for you.

HYSTERECTOMY - Hey, it sounds like its "his", bit it really is "hers". Plus I'm sure no man posses an organ called "terectomy", but it does sound mighty close to "erectomy". Maybe if you get one of these men lose the "erectomy" for you. Maybe we just lose it if you talk about it too much - you know, what with the skyrocketing cost of medical procedures these days.

HISPANIC - No se habla. But you might want to unite the latina's crossing the border with their babies strapped on their backs that it is high time they take over what is rightful due them - the name of their kind! Why is it 'his' 'pan'? You are the ones doing the cooking, not him! And you are the one who does the 'panic' while he just says, "oh well, more tequila for me."

HISTAMINES - The wonder drug that calms irritating sinus, throat, and bowels. I am sure you know the 'he' certainly don't calm anything without your constant reminder. Like the old saying, behind every man, there is an irritating woman.

HISTOGRAM - The technique that let great engineers and mathematicians understand the historical (sorry, herstorical) frequency distribution of a problem space over a period of time has alway paled in comparison to what women has been doing naturally over the past millennium. Remember the last fight you had with your man? Who was the one that brought up every little detail of every little perceived affront against your refined sensibilities? Who was the one that invoked every little fault or imperfections of the past ten years? Women were built for histograms - ladies - it is HERSTOGRAM fo' sho'!

MANDATORY - Mowing the grass, taking out the garbage, change the diaper, going to work, be more sensitive, political correctness...were never a part of any man's repertoire. This is rightfully yours to take back. Make it 'womandatory" and no confusing dictionary definition will be required. Hey, it'll save a few paragraphs in the Webster, and in turn it'll save a few trees. You will be doing the world a service.

HYSTERIA - Most men don't fly into it, most often it is the womenfolk. 'Hersteria' is easier to explain to the neighbors why my refrigerator is in the front lawn, and to the kids why daddy has to pack up and live in a motel for a few days.

MANIAC - See above.

MANDRILL - If you are a dyke, this word will make no sense unless you are talking about a shiv. As a man, stay away 'cuz any mandrill is just plain wrong sounding. Take it. It's a freebie.

MANICURE - Because this is just misleading.

MANSION - You want to live in one, and we only want to get one in order to fill it with your kind. Lets be honest here, there is only one motivation why this word even existed. Yours.

MANIFOLD - Unless we are talking about cars, this is all you.

MANIPULATE - Yours. This won't even be a challenge.

MANNERS - Burping and farting at the dinner table was never restricted by a bunch of guys. In fact, we make games out of who can eat a head of broccoli and pass gas the fastest.

MANUAL - Face it, we men never read it. You know this is true. If a woman is like a book, then a man would only thumb through pages as fast as they can to get to the end.

And ladies, don't forget to celebrate the words that has been eternally attributed to you! These words we men do not dare to ask the world to recant, nor do we ask to take back. You have quietly bore the burden and the likeness of these words, and we rejoice in your silent solemntude.

HERPES - All men know it is not 'hispes' because we know that's not where it comes from. It comes from her pees, or her mouth, or her whatever. You keep this, and our girlfriends and wives need never know. Simply, 'heranus' just doesn't make medical sense.

HEARST - Because this is eventually where you put us.

HERBS - This is what you use in the kitchen.

HERBIVORE - We eat meat. All other vegetarian or vegans are effeminate men, monks, or are doing so to score with you.

HERESY - We do it because Eve originated sin. It's in the Bible.

HERMAPHRODITE - The Greek goddess we would all like to hit. And face it, even for a clinical one, some of us would still hit it.

HERMETICAL SEAL - It is what we wish for. It it what you lose eventually.

HERMIT - What we give up to become.

HERMIT CRAB - What we hope to avoid.

See, there are plenty of words we, as men, would gladly fork over. There are plenty of words out there in the English language that celebrate the female. Let us all rejoice in this harmony, and let us never fight.

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