one flew over Iraq's nest

I'm pretty sure I'm going to Iraq...

Off to Chennai in two days

Headed out to Chennai, India in a couple of days. This is going to be the furthest I have ever traveled. Going to interior China is one thing, I speak the language. Going to India is something that I never thought I would do willingly.

And for 3 whole weeks?!?!

Maybe I'll see about getting a side trip to see the Taj Mahal...

Today

Is Hot...

Panda Car

Spotted this Panda car when I was touring around near Changsha, Hunan Province, China.

HP's Anti-Scientific Calculator

I saw a post on Engadget about these new HP calculators and thought...man, that's gonna be a bitch when it comes time to change batteries - ten screws?

Aside from that, I thought it looked pretty cool and wondered where I might score one or two of them.

What do you know? I got two today. It feels hefty, seems well built, comes with a hole for a lanyard (not sure why) and has a magnetic strip in the back so I can stick it to my fridge.

The best part? No reverse polish notation!!! I hated those RPN calculators with a passion. Not only were those unintuitive, what with the "enter" key - there is no "enter" in math!

Maybe it was because when I was taking calculus my friend handed me his HP calculator and watched me unable to make a simple multiplication.

I think I'll keep one, and regift the other one when I can't be bothered to go out and buy something meaningful...

Oh yeah, this thing can't even do square root, which means the crappy little key ring calculator I got sometime ago is functionally more complete.


But hey, the HP looks nicer on my desk...

Applying the Same Stanards

Well, my man Obama won the Democratic nomination. I was for the guy before I was ever against him. People tell me he is for gun control but I've yet to hear to much about it just now. I doubt my AK and 75 round drum will be seized any time soon, and I'm comforted with the protection of my good Glock 17 and a couple of loaded 17 round clips.

Being not into politics so much, I have only a couple of rules. I apply them as I do with my every day life. When the Dodge and Chevy both turned out to be crap, I go and read Consumer Reports to see what popular opinion has to say about is the next good car. A Honda, by this time.

Some of my friends and co-workers say this is shallow and uninformed. I simply ask how informed really is everyone else. While everyone claims an uncle who had a Silverado that refused to die in harsh Montanan horse hauling conditions, more people say that Bush and McCain are simple not cutting it. I'm giving the new purchase a chance.

A co-work confronted me about Barak and McCain, stating how Obama has perhaps, all these ties to Chicago mafia business and such. I respond that these are far fetched guesses and dismissed outright. He then said much about associations to his pastor and radical black leaders of the like of Frarakkahn (don't like him, so spelling don't matter) and maybe he is dangerous. Still, I said it's an association, not the man.

I have plenty of friends who do illicit drugs and do shady non-lawful things. I'd hate to be judged by who I may have gone to a party with.

I had only this to ask my co-worker - didn't McCain cheat on his wife when she was in dire need of being partially paralyzed and then divorce her to marry into his current, extremely wealthy wife?

The response I got was that being a prisoner of war in Vietnam has can mess anyone up, and most of those guys had similar problems. To mark this, my co-worker's father was in the same camp with John McCain and did not do too well after he was released.

While I understand the pain, I had to ask; if the he knew right from wrong, despite of what he has been through, should he not be held accountable for what he has done, regardless of what he has gone through? That is the true test of character.

Well, the time McCain was POW messed him up - was the response I got. Shoot, by that reasoning a POW can't do the right thing by his wife, do we want him running the country that leads the rest of the world?

Admittedly, I'm no expert in the candidates. All I know is that either makers has made me happy for the last several years, and it seems that everyone likes how the new model handles. By that logic, and the logic that the Honda Civic has replaced the Ford F series as the best selling vehicle in the US (F series has the top honor for the past 15 years), I think it's time I made a change myself.

Jay Leno in Shanghai

Went to the Shanghai Museum last month to poke around all the ancient artifacts. There is a room full of Chinese calligraphy and paintings, a room for wooden (and seemingly very uncomfortable) furniture, and masks, thousands of masks. Stone, wood, and metal statues are all over the place.

Then I turn the corning and run into a statue of Jay Leno.
(if the pic don't work, Google Jay)

Why the ancient Chinese dedicated a whole stone slab to his chinness, I don't know.

But it sure was a surprise...

Heh heh... Chinese, chinness...

Devil's Threeway

Note: If you don't know what a Devil's Threeway is (normally said whilst forming a fist, with the index and pinky fingers extended, like if you were at an Ozzy concert), look it up via Google, or find your latest Two And A Half Man episode.

I recall a few years ago when a friend of mine called me out for a beer. When I got there he was somewhat reclusive in a corner, sipping a beer with a near empty pitcher near by. I asked him what was up, how was it going, sat down, and ordered another pitch of beer with a new glass.

Noticing his demeanor, I asked what was wrong. He was a bit reticent with any information, so I thought I sit through until the beers worked up his courage.

Few pitchers of beers later, and he had this to say.

"I had a threesome about three weeks ago."

"That's great!" Said I.

But given the fact that the normal high five and congratulatory celebration didn't immediately occur after such statement, I realized there must have been a catch.

"Ummm..." I stammered, "Was it with two fat chicks?"

Silence.

"Two ugly chicks?"

Silence.

"Two fat and ugly chicks?"

No response, but he took a big gulp of beer, enough that I had to refill his glass.

"One fat, one ugly, both over the age of fifty who have given birth to enough kids and you didn't get to touch sidewall?"

That got a jilt.

"No." Said my friend. "It was with XXXXX." (The X's represent another friend's name, which is...a nother guy.)

True story.

This got me thinking as I was out talking about the Devil's Threeway with Rich and Matt over the weekend.

In what case would this be something to cross of a man's list before he meets his optimal end?

I mean, at the worst when two guys are doing a chick you are rubbing nutsack to nutsack, and at the least, you are looking at the naked sweating body of your buddy. Given that none of my friend's have a body hot enough that would even remotely turn me on, I have to say...

More beers please!!!

the taste of ear

When a thirty something fully gown man decides to pierce his ear, and systematically enlarge said piercing with progressive larger rings, you're bound to have friends who will try to stick common everyday objects into said hole.

It's a thing we do. Some guys exercise restraint, resorting to their imagination and let that be enough to sate their curiosity.

Some people act on their impulses.

Guess what kind of friends Brian here has?

Before anyone comments on vaginal fixation, remember that some men would plug a leaking dam with their finger, some men go spelunking, I stick cigarettes in ear holes.

Notice filter end went in. This renders the cigarette unsmokeable as no sane member of the male gender would willing put their tongue inside a ear hole, much less wrap our lips around a cigarette that's been in an ear hole.

No, it takes a special kind of man to do such a deed. The special kind that didn't know where the cigarette has been.
The very special man was pictured, ready to take a punch when the photo was taken, after the big reveal.

Dave was a true hero. He put his man lips around the butt end of the ear hole cigarette and sucked with vigor as I put a flame to his face. The enthusiasm rivals any meth addled hobo around the streets of Portland. A true artist.

Of course, Dave eagerness went dim right fast when the entire bar exhilarated with laughter. The restraint up until the point of first inhalation of ear hole smoke was too much, and Dave, being no fool, realized he's wrapped his mouth around the wrong pole.

So in the end, the cigarette was lit, puff on twice, and went undesired in the ash tray. I had thought about recycling it when my pack ran out, but I had just enough money to go across the street and buy a new pack.

meet Ginger, our new puppy

Our new puppy Ginger!!!

Picked her up on December 21st, 2007. Healthy little girl Golden Retriever. Had to choose a name between Ginger, Lucy, or Belle... Ginger won out. She looks like a ginger bread cookie.

Johnny, The Pro-Feminist

I remember watching some feminists on TV some time ago. These women, after tirelessly fighting for voting rights, equal pay, pregnancy without men, and causing 9/11 (Pat Robertson said it, not I), is now fighting to take back history.

Not the fact that most great historical political leaders, such as Ghengis Khan, Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Sun Tsu, George Washington, Julius Cesar, Adolf Hitler, or either one of the George Bush's were men, nor the fact that most historical religious leaders, such as any one of the Popes, the prophet Mohammad, Jesus, or Buddha were also men.

No.

They want the word changed.

History, as they say, is His-story. Therefore the word is a word of contempt. A 'five-across-the-eye' if you will. The A2M of the English language. And it ought to be Herstory.

Well boy howdy. I didn't create the word, I only learned it. I'm sure there is a whole Germanic/Latin/Greek root where some out of work English History major can disseminate the absurdity of this demand, but I'm not so insensitive.

I'm an enlighten man. And I demand you take the whole lot of them. Here are some suggestions I have carefully prepared for you.

HYSTERECTOMY - Hey, it sounds like its "his", bit it really is "hers". Plus I'm sure no man posses an organ called "terectomy", but it does sound mighty close to "erectomy". Maybe if you get one of these men lose the "erectomy" for you. Maybe we just lose it if you talk about it too much - you know, what with the skyrocketing cost of medical procedures these days.

HISPANIC - No se habla. But you might want to unite the latina's crossing the border with their babies strapped on their backs that it is high time they take over what is rightful due them - the name of their kind! Why is it 'his' 'pan'? You are the ones doing the cooking, not him! And you are the one who does the 'panic' while he just says, "oh well, more tequila for me."

HISTAMINES - The wonder drug that calms irritating sinus, throat, and bowels. I am sure you know the 'he' certainly don't calm anything without your constant reminder. Like the old saying, behind every man, there is an irritating woman.

HISTOGRAM - The technique that let great engineers and mathematicians understand the historical (sorry, herstorical) frequency distribution of a problem space over a period of time has alway paled in comparison to what women has been doing naturally over the past millennium. Remember the last fight you had with your man? Who was the one that brought up every little detail of every little perceived affront against your refined sensibilities? Who was the one that invoked every little fault or imperfections of the past ten years? Women were built for histograms - ladies - it is HERSTOGRAM fo' sho'!

MANDATORY - Mowing the grass, taking out the garbage, change the diaper, going to work, be more sensitive, political correctness...were never a part of any man's repertoire. This is rightfully yours to take back. Make it 'womandatory" and no confusing dictionary definition will be required. Hey, it'll save a few paragraphs in the Webster, and in turn it'll save a few trees. You will be doing the world a service.

HYSTERIA - Most men don't fly into it, most often it is the womenfolk. 'Hersteria' is easier to explain to the neighbors why my refrigerator is in the front lawn, and to the kids why daddy has to pack up and live in a motel for a few days.

MANIAC - See above.

MANDRILL - If you are a dyke, this word will make no sense unless you are talking about a shiv. As a man, stay away 'cuz any mandrill is just plain wrong sounding. Take it. It's a freebie.

MANICURE - Because this is just misleading.

MANSION - You want to live in one, and we only want to get one in order to fill it with your kind. Lets be honest here, there is only one motivation why this word even existed. Yours.

MANIFOLD - Unless we are talking about cars, this is all you.

MANIPULATE - Yours. This won't even be a challenge.

MANNERS - Burping and farting at the dinner table was never restricted by a bunch of guys. In fact, we make games out of who can eat a head of broccoli and pass gas the fastest.

MANUAL - Face it, we men never read it. You know this is true. If a woman is like a book, then a man would only thumb through pages as fast as they can to get to the end.

And ladies, don't forget to celebrate the words that has been eternally attributed to you! These words we men do not dare to ask the world to recant, nor do we ask to take back. You have quietly bore the burden and the likeness of these words, and we rejoice in your silent solemntude.

HERPES - All men know it is not 'hispes' because we know that's not where it comes from. It comes from her pees, or her mouth, or her whatever. You keep this, and our girlfriends and wives need never know. Simply, 'heranus' just doesn't make medical sense.

HEARST - Because this is eventually where you put us.

HERBS - This is what you use in the kitchen.

HERBIVORE - We eat meat. All other vegetarian or vegans are effeminate men, monks, or are doing so to score with you.

HERESY - We do it because Eve originated sin. It's in the Bible.

HERMAPHRODITE - The Greek goddess we would all like to hit. And face it, even for a clinical one, some of us would still hit it.

HERMETICAL SEAL - It is what we wish for. It it what you lose eventually.

HERMIT - What we give up to become.

HERMIT CRAB - What we hope to avoid.

See, there are plenty of words we, as men, would gladly fork over. There are plenty of words out there in the English language that celebrate the female. Let us all rejoice in this harmony, and let us never fight.

Dick...Spotted...

Found across the aisle from the Mexican food section in Fred Meyer's, in the newly established British food section.

Chalk that for something I'm not eager to put in my mouth.

My Halloween Cheering Section

These are my people... They stare at the back of my head as I slave away at work, silently praising my me for the effort...

Happy Halloween

No I'm nowhere near the picture. But my friend Oscar is. Guess which one?

Here is a hint -

He's the one sporting the Ron Jeremy 'stache.

But that could be a left over smeared up bean burrito on his lips.

Chengdu hot pot...again

So it was that I get invited to our newly wed Mitch and Mei's place for some Chengdu style hot pot. Chengdu, when I was there in the midst of China, they were raising a marble statue of Chairman Mao, and I was questioning my friend's fidelity. But this time, its different. It's Sichuang cooking (all that super hot red stuff which both numbs and kills all tastes in your mouth) in the states. Yay.

But that's not the story here... The story is the day after.

After I over ate the completely delicious hot pot on Sunday, I had to have more. Good thing Mei gave me a whole packet of Sichuang Hot Pot base for my eventual enjoyment.

This is the packet of Chongqing Hot Pot Soup base. It makes the soup completely threateningly red as to make all jalapeños posers cry out for mama.

And that enjoyment is... now!!!

Yes. 24 hours later, I had to have some. And here is the initial results before I put anything else into the pot.

Red like the guy from Charlie Daniel's band when he went to Georgia.

And i had to put in a bunch of met and veggies to make it edible. Even then an entire 2 liter bottle of diet Coke went down with my meal.

The leftover is vicious looking as well.


I tossed in a bunch of bean noodles, mushrooms, and some chicken broth to tame the heat. Because, after all, going over 8 large sheets of Brawny for the sweat just isn't worth it.

I'm looking at the finished product. A few beef and fish balls floating on top, and it is going to make a wonderful meal come Tuesday at lunch.

Ma-La Hot Pot 3 days in a row...