Friday, September 30, 2005

why are poo tapered?

Q: Why are poo tapered?

A: Because if it weren't, your asshole would slam shut.

It's Friday!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The King is I

My friend Rachelle said that I look like Yul Brynner from the movie "The King and I". I looked it up and, hot damn, I do! Now I just need a palace, man-servants, and a backyard full of concubines.

Next up, a temporary tatoo on the side of my head.

I'd be a more racially accurate "king"

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

yahoo's subliminal oral fixiation

Yahoo email service has always been one of the contenders among the free services. Recently they changed the scheme to be more youth oriented. Log in and try - See the pictures they proudly display? Here are some sample of them. There is a theme - and that theme is - well, see for yourselves.

Clockwise from upper left:

"This ball is too big for my mouth!"
"Flower means vagina, you know what this means!"
"You have to open you mouth wider otherwise it'll get in your eye!"
"Look, your diet has turned you semen red on my tongue!"

Sue me.

lessening the impact jesus christ (superstar!)

It never cease to amaze me how people take a great man, his great idea of peace and brotherhood, and reduce it to an incomprehensible icon. Jesus must be rolling in his grave right now. Oh, wait, I forgot he resurrected himself. He must have foreseen what religious nutjobs would do to his ideals and decided dying is really not for him.

Take the fishes for instance - people put it on their cars like they are making some kind of statement. "I'm holier than thou!" "Yeah, but scientifically you are wrong!" "I prescribe to a higher form of learnings that require no fact or basis on reality!"

Take them damn things off! The only thing you are doing is, after dark, when I have time, I'll come over and slash your tires.

While you're added, remove those STUPID "Support Our Troops" stickers. If spending a mere $2.50 at the gas station make you feel as if you've contributed to our brave soliders overseas, you have thouroughly failed to impress anyone. I gave the US Army $10. I'm 4 times better than you, yet you don't see me brag about it. -Sheesh-

Get yer jesus fish variants

we've turned jesus into a dang fish symbol Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 I miss all my hair

I was really sick yesterday. Went to work for about an hour, came home, took a bunch of medication, and slept all day. I woke up delirious. Maybe I took some stuff that was supposed to be fore my dog's intestinal infestation. Why the hell was that mixed with the human stuff in the cupboard anyway?

In a moment of less than complete sanity, I shaved my head. Below is a before and after picture. I've never been without hair since I was a newborn. I always wondered if my head is misshapen. Will I find a lump here, an indent there? I'm glad to say that, except for a dire need of a tan, my dome is nicely built, without any odd decorations.

Two things I thought I might do. Tatoo my head with some profanity, so that once I grow my hair back, no one would know that I'm constantly telling them off. Second, I'm going to get me a Buhhdist monk robe. It'll be perfect for my Halloween costume.

I think this one looks pretty nice. I just need someone to carry the parasoles for me.

酒肉和尚 <- of course, this what I'll likely become...

next stop, buhhdist monk shop Posted by Picasa

prostate self exam for fun and disease prevention

We all age. And when we do, we have something special to look forward to. Just ask my friend Scott who turned 40 last year. He had his first fingering-of-his-anus-by-a-man for the first time. Thought, from what I hear, he is normally fond of his girlfriend tickling the inside of his colon, I've been told that a prostate check is a might different.

Anyhoo, I've still a few years until I get to decide if I will look forward to my intimate visit with my doctor. Until then, anyone can perform a self exam to see if one's prostate juice is kosher.

Prostate Exam

tickling the male g-spot Posted by Picasa

Monday, September 26, 2005

hurrican rita is really a giant god-penis!

The picutre is from the National Hurricane Center. It depicts the wind swath path of hurrican Rita. It also shows a large orange penis rubbing at the opening between Florida and Cuba. The red shows that it's about half way to climax.

Sometimes, nature just wants to fuck with us. More so if you live in the south and your family tree don't branch. Time to get your sister-mother-cousin and son-brother out of town. Don't foget uncle-grandfather Jeb on your way out.

Don't believe me? Go see Snopes to find out this is real.

god is sending his holy penis to screw the south! Posted by Picasa

Sunday, September 25, 2005

blonde, boobs, and beer

It's Octoberfest! Why it's starting in September is beyond me. But I'm never the one to complain about celebrating a whole month of drinking by being a whole 'nother month early. We drunks are sneaky that way.

This might get me in trouble. But I don't care. If Hitler were to promise that his "superior race" was all about creating good looking blondes with nicely endowed mammaries that serve and imbibe beer, he might just have had more support.

Damn you Hitler, you lead your people astray.

blonde, boobs, and beer...I'm going german Posted by Picasa

Friday, September 23, 2005

...its only mildly poisonous...

I like food. The stranger the better. Not too long ago I had the chance to eat some freshly dead scorpions on a stick. It tasted like bacon bits.

When I bought the thing I asked the vendor if the stinger was poisonous. "Well, it's very mild poison and most of our customers don't have any problems with it." Shit, so what happens to the opposite of most customers that does have a problem with it?

Needless to say, I pinched the tail and suck the head instead. But that doesn't make me gay, just the two guys next to me.

the guy in the middle is the only one that has not experimented in gay activities Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

public facial billboard

Whomever said Communism is bad for gays gets my foot extended firmly to their nosrils. I found this whilst trolling around Shanghai, China. The bottom caption says "Guaranteed Not Oily".

Check out the left eye (well, his right eye). Looks like he just took a bukkakke facial and is vigorously enjoying it.

The sihoulette is my friend Mark, whom also, as I've directly sampled, likes man-goo to the face. Whadda a he-whore...! Posted by Picasa

Monday, September 19, 2005

when amature sweat won't do

You work hard, play hard, and sweat hard. You need to replenish your body's lost minerals and water. What do you drink? Gatorade? Propel? Water? No no no. You lost sweat, and the best thing to replace what you lost is the very same thing - SWEAT!

Crack open a bottle of Pro Sweat. Nothing replenishes your thirsty body like Pro Sweat. Smeared directly from the underarms of Michael Jordan, the chin of Ichiro Suzuki, and the ballsacks of Tiger Woods and straight into your mouth. Refreshing!

hmmmm....professional... Posted by Picasa

Sunday, September 18, 2005

a mexican may be crossing our borders right now

World economics suggests that without cheap labor, the US cannot function as a nation. There are more low wage labor jobs here in the States than there are white trailer dwellers ("I know where your mama parks you house!") to fill it. That's the true reason why leaders of this nation wouldn't secure our borders. Really.

Since Mexico is close by, willing to work, and don't mind low pay and subhuman working conditions, we get a huge flux of them. In California, Mexican sightings occur so frequently that it's government is forced to put up warning signs to drivers. Similar to the deer crossing signs you see in Montana, now you will see bright yellow Mexican Crossing signs in California.

Remember, if collision in unavoidable, aim for the one with least mass.

Go see Carlos Mencia's take on the wetback silhouette.

caution - illegals crossing Posted by Picasa

Thursday, September 15, 2005

ethics test

Follow the instructions carefully and feel free to forward this to whomever would be interested in it. (Hopefully you are.)

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer . . somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under .. forever.

You have two options--

you can save the life of G.W.Bush

or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would

you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

-thanks to gary-

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

world's strongest beer

I had a discussion with this know-it-all guy who claims to have studied beer brewing and is a connosewer of beers (yet he is only seen drinking Heineken). This person contradicts my story where my friend brews this ale that is about %14 alcohol. He says, "I've studied this, it not possible to brew beer that strong." Well, Mr. Know-it-all, did you know you're just annoying that way?

Anyhoo - leave it to the German's to make the worlds strongest beer - a whopping 25.4 percent.

germans invented beer, germans kills jews, ergo, beers are antisemetic Posted by Picasa

Monday, September 12, 2005

motorola for gays

Maybe I'm confusing some Malay language, but I thought this was a rather cleaver campaign by Motorola. The "Hello Moto" is now "Gayamoto". The picture of the people are the far end, which is hard to see, are all fancily done up dudes. Gays? Maybe. The phallac shaped phone is a dead giveaway.

target demographic - gays Posted by Picasa

Sunday, September 11, 2005

hooters in asia

To call them two-by-fours with two nails sticking out of them would be rude. I went to a Hooters in Taipei, and aside from the fact that all the customers are short with dark hair, it's almost just like in the states.

Here is a picture stolen from a site about Hooters in Shanghai. Read it, it's good.

hooters in smallish sizes Posted by Picasa

Friday, September 09, 2005

beer belly belt

I'm always envious of Batman, how he has a gadget in his ultility belt for every occation. Well, I don't fight crime, and I usually only lament that I don't have another beer handy. Lament no more, with this beer belt, I will always have a 12 pack of beer close by. It's also a health device - walking around with a dozen beers strapped to your waist is bound to help burn up those calories! Get yours now.

a new diet device! it makes you feel lighter as you drinkPosted by Picasa

Thursday, September 08, 2005

japanese schoolgirl fetish

Japan is know for a lot of things - big robot cartoons, reliable cars, quality stereo equipment, electonic gadgets, Pearl Habor, sushi, and helping the US test out the A-Bomb. What is lesser known is the entire country's healthy appetite for anything school-girl related. Just until recently, one can purchase used underwear from junior and high-school girls from vending machines. It's true. Here is a great link to all sorts of vending machines in Japan. You can buy porn, condoms, and live lobsters on the same street - what you do with it may raise a few eyebrows.

Back to the schoolgirl subject. Notice how Sailor Moon and cohorts are always in school uniform? Look at any Japanese anime and you'll find this common theme. So I did a little investigation and went to Japan. Below is a real life observation of Japanese students. I later went undercover and posed as a Japanese businessman and actually bought the underwear from the girl on the far right for 2500 yan (about $25). Amazing!

underage them funny japanesies Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

funnies: chli cook-off

Chili Cook-Off

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judge's table (asking directions to the beer wagon) when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3 - he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

- Thanks Paul -

wingman 101: jumping on the grenade

World, meet "The Grenade". Spotted in Roppongi Hills, Tokyo, by the pair Mark and Devan. Alas, Devan smothered himself over the grenade for Mark. We'll miss him.

we award the medal of wingman posthumously to devan Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

all blacks

No, I'm not talking about the televisions portrayal of Katrina looters or the roster of the NBA and NFL (if you are offended by this, let me stab you in the throat with a soup ladle so I can gouge out your larynx and shove it up your ass - since that's likely where you talk out of anyway). I'm talking about one of the greatest sports teams, the New Zealand All Blacks!

inside every black man, there is a white man screaming to turn michael jackson korean Posted by Picasa

Monday, September 05, 2005

bitch slapping for fun and education

Katrina went to New Orleans and blew everybody. I wonder when they'll make a porno based on that? "Katrina Blew the Gulf Coast".

Anyhoo - I'm a bit tired of stubborn people who either refused to heed the warnings to evacuate, or are still hanging around their house in the South.

I say we ought to round them all up, bitch slap them until they apologize, and put them into hard labor to rebuild the city. Too much resources are being wasted on searching and rescuing these dimwits that real people are suffering. Stop giving them a forum on TV! I'm sick of hearing these fucks and their whole "entitlement" attitude.

You want my help? Ask nicely. Go on national television and bitch about the help people are providing you, free? I say we kick them to the curb like they deserve. I hate people without a good dose of gratitude.

I was going to donate $200 to the hurricane fund, but upon seeing who I might be helping, I bought a new center speaker for my 7.1 Dolby Surround Home Theater system instead.

Friday, September 02, 2005

now a word on new orleans

This is a conversation between me and my boss about the New Orleans floods...

Boss: "Who the hell would build a city 30 feet below sea level?"

Me: "Whoelse? The fucking French!"

Proof again that the French are much more sinister than the al queda - they are willing to wait hundreds of years to inflict pain upon their enemies. This is how I see it happened -

Nostradamus (a French, yep) predicted there would be a record storm to hit Southern US. So they built a large party town (New Orleans) where? 30 feet below the water, that's where. Three hundred years later, hunnricane Katrina PMS's as predicted, and wham! We have Lake Orleans.

I don't think any French would admit that not only can they not win a war, they also have crappy city planning skills. Personally I'm sending a care package of razors and soap to my local French embassy.

all human stupidity genes are directly traceable to the french Posted by Picasa

Thursday, September 01, 2005

silver plated drip ring for (insert your member here)

Nobody likes a drippy mess. No one. Whether it falls on her stomache, sheets, or on yourself, it's always a bit of slimey untidiness that someone has to lick or clean up. Well, fathom that problem no more. Mount the Silver Plated Drip Ring and you're good to go. Get it while it lasts.

it's high time you cleaned up after yourself Posted by Picasa