Monday, January 30, 2006

from bi-curious to omni-curious

There are always two sides to a situation. In a class I took we were split into two groups. Each group is to read a case study representing one side of a conflict. We were to come back and discuss the situation in a class, each group only exposed to a single side of the story.

So when I was split into a group to read a case study for one side, I went ahead and read the case study for the opposing side. Dana or Oscar or someone said that I was cheating. To which I replied, "No, I'm bi-curious."

That wasn't what I mean to say, but it is how it came out. Some laughs later I tried to correct myself. "Well, I'm curious about everything. It is my nature."

Steve added, "Wouldn't that make you omni-curious?"
Corey, "Oh man, that hole in that tree sure looks tempting."

Yes, I supposed I am omni-curious. Some vegetables are mighty tempting and elicit a tingling sensation between my legs.

not true, I'm merely curious

restricted cell phone calls

Lately I have been getting more and more calls from restricted phone numbers. I guess the idea is that they don't want the recipient (me) to know who is calling. Whoa! It's a like a fucking surprise everytime I pickup the phone! Who could it be today? Boy, I can't wait. Is it Oliver Stone calling me about the script I sent him, or will it be the credit company demanding payment. The suspense!

I don't like surprises, and I rarely care for suspense.

That's why I have a counter. You don't want me to know who is calling, I don't want to take your call. Besides, I only know two people who do this. One is Dominic, who is secretive about things that are public knowledge. The other is some dumb bitch who plays these kinds of games. I don't play, so she can go blow some homeless guy to fuck her in her fat ass.

Boy...I've been getting meaner and meaner these days...

too much to hide

Friday, January 27, 2006

world's largest dildo

Wanna know why the US military budget is so high? It's because loads of it go to research and development of bigger and better tools to satisfy our horny US co-eds.

When they are done testing, they put some gunpowder inside and attach a propeller. Then they call it a torpedo and shoot for seamen.

Evidence? Here in Hawaii, we have a thinly veiled "Golden Rod" variety on display, attracting a prior test subject to pose for a photo-op.

rear admiral sir! the torpedo is ready for entry!

me and amanda borden

Amanda Borden is an USA gymnist who happened to have won a Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympics. The proof is here, at the USA Gymnastics Official Biography site.

Normally, people like her wouldn't have anything to do with people like me, much less let me put my arms around her and take a photograph for publishing onto a semi-intelligent blog site. Thank for publicity events. I even have pictures of her twisting herself into a double knot. But I think that'll be kept in my private collection.


Thursday, January 26, 2006

forget lasik, beer goggles work better

Beer goggles and Lasik surgery both share a common background: they are both scientifically proven to improve your vision. Well, at least it improves what you see.

Lasik improves the eyes' ability to focus light accurately onto the rods and cones, thereby sending a sharper image to your retina and allowing you to see clearly. Beer goggles forgoe the complication of bringing light into a singular locus and reshaping your oculous through intense lasers. Instead, it makes whatever you see, better!

Proof? It's here in an article by the BBC. They're British, and so must be unpretentious and right.

So next time you go home with Charlize Theron, and wake up to Charles Thorn, you'll appreciate that it is due to science, and not poor judgement.

Meet Hindsight, she's 20/20.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

whale poo looker upper

Walk alongside of the beach, come up to a 33 pound whale log. What's a person to do? Take that shit (literally) home, of course!

Whale feces, used in perfume making, is worth about $20 to $60 a gram. That means a 30 pound whale stool is over $200,000 in the open market. Although I think I'd have serious problems walking around peddling whale excrement as an ingredient of "that mysterious, feminine fragrance".

link to storybush on poo, now that's a sick shiza fetish

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

egg cars, get killed

Why do we protect punkass kids who behave badly, and punish the adults who even the score? Here we have a man who is simply driving along the street, only to have a bunch of uncouth jackass teenagers throw eggs at his pickup. The man did what any red-blooded American man would do - but don't in fear of unjust laws - he pulled out his gun and shot them.

Sure, the guy has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Sure, he has a history of violence. But aren't we forgetting the fact that in the particular case, stupid teenagers think they can get away with hurtful pranks instigated the whole thing? If I'd know that throwing eggs at cars could result me being shot at and possibly killed, I'd find other forms of amusement.

Personally, I'm quite sick and time of punks who demand respect but will give none. They cry foul whenever something is not going their way, yet will pursue every advantage.

I say, good for you man. You stood for what you believed. You decided that violence is the final answer, and solved your problem once and for all. There will be no egging in prison. There will also be one less punk who won't be antagonizing drivers with eggs.

some teenagers deserve a good killing

twin towers from empire state

Took this grainy crappy picture from the Empire State Building. Hadn't realized I have this picture of the Twin Towers.

All I remember about New York was that it was August, andit was hot a humid. It's like 98 degrees out, and there are these steam stacks diverting sewer steam from the street level. Tons of people, bad traffic, and expensive.

I also remember Craig and Charles spent a whole night at a topless joint in Times Square, right next to a TGI Fridays. I think I spent $35 at Friday's, got drunk, chatted up with the bartender and waiters, and got the manager to make me a martini. Out stumbles in Craig and Charles, sober and some $500 poorer. Dude, a street hooker wouldn't cost that much. Amatures.

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Monday, January 23, 2006

creative past of human torture

Not that I would ever condone torture to extract information. In most of our history we have learned that information gained from pain is almost always false and useless. So then, one might reasonable conclude that we torture To some people, the calling of the sadistic nature must be quite strong.

Take the below for instances, pillaged from Occational Hell, the Judas Cradle. A person is synched by the waist with the iron ring and hoisted up in the air. The pointy pyramid thing is then positioned underneath. Underneath what? You Ask? Oh, the anus, the vagina, the ball sacks, the taint, or any other pontentially extremely hurtful just to think about region sandwiched between the buttocks. The person is lowered, and pain ensues.

Maybe this is the predecessor to reality TV in the old world. I can think of a few people that should spend a few minutes on such creative devices like the Iron Gag and the Breast Ripper. But who knows, some butt pounding whore might even enjoy a session with a Pear of Anguish.

why don't you sit on it and...spin!

Friday, January 20, 2006

howdy doody

My Friend

said that our friendScott,

looks like
Howdy Doody.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

midget porn...for my friend brady

I ran into my friend Brady today. He asked me about midget porn. I can't recall why that would be the first thing he says to me, but hey, everyone is entitled to their own fetishes.

But after a couple of beers I get contemplative. Brady, after all, is something like 9 feet tall. Naturally he would mistake anyone shorter than, say 5 foot 11 to be a midget. His wife must appear to be around 3 feet to him. I can now make a connection to his facination with midget porn.

What to me would be a nasty limber oily intercourse between Andre the Giant meet Tall Bitch (from Duece Bigelow) in a threesome with Yao Ming is probably normal for Brady.

So Brady, here is to you and your dwarf sex. If you really get into it, you can even rent short people. Really, here is a link at Rent-A-Midget.

it's like pedophilia, but that's sick

poor judgment is fun judgment

No group of friends ever got together and reminisced the following statement:

"Hey man, remember that time we abided speed limit and drove up to Seattle, had a pleasant dinner and retired to our respective rooms, and came back safe with without incident?"

No, exercising good judgment is often bland and folksy. It's safe like abstinence, without the Catholic overtones.

More often, this is what makes life exciting:

"Dude, remember that time we went to Seattle and Greg got a reckless driving ticket for going 130 miles an hour? Oh and we got so shitfaced drunk that Scott let that chick blow him in the bathroom, even though we kept telling him it was a dude? And then Pete got all pissed for some reason, went to the bathroom where Brent just took a dump, and smeared shit all over Ray's pillows?"

Yep. Good times.

Poor juedgment is fun. Good judgment is progressive. I urge the world to exercise good judgment, and let me have my fun.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

god promotes safe sex

Those crazy people at Planned Parenthood not only enourage safe sex, they also want you to have sex with a bit of mirth, style, and creativity. On sale now are condom keychains featuring US Flags, funny sayings, and god handing adam a raincoat. This is pissing off all sorts of anti-abortion groups (because forcing teenagers to keep unwanted children is really a good thing) and religious-types. Strangely, Michaelangelo believers find it mildly amusing, and went on about their business as if nothing ever happened.

Get yours today.

and god said...thou has procreated enough, time to use this...

tv is bad for sex

A report out of Rome (yes, where Catholic priest, who don't have sex *really*, reside near) states that a TV in the bedroom halves sexual activity for the couple. The article is here. Then they go on to some psychobabble trying to make this study legit.

The way I look at it, it's simply a matter of choice. In the bedroom, I can laydown and watch TV, or I can laydown and have sex. If there is a stove and some counter space, I might even opt to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Choice, after all, is good. But I giess the concept is lost on them Italians what with the blind faith in the church and their oppressive regimes.

Now, the study failed to count the times the same couple have sex on the couch, stairs, bathroom, and the driveway.

Crazy Italians, never could really trust them.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

on thy flesh I dine

Human flesh is wonderfully fun. You can squeeze it, pinch it, caress it, poke it, rub it, cut it, rip it, tear it, kiss it, or generally rub yourself all over it. It is also what most of us use to judge whether we buy the girl at the bar a drink, or go after her friend instead. Such wonderful substance must be celebrated. And, because imitation is the highest form of flattery, a bread making artist has done just that.

Human Flesh Bread. Looks good, and comes flavored in French Cheese, German Sausage, and Oriental flavorings!

I wonder if they make whole bodies. I'm betting there is a whole group of people that are perverted enough to buy an anatomically correct female bread, perform wonton sex with it, and then consume the leftovers.

Related links: X51 Enema, Taipei Times, Nerd Shit

they're contracted to do some hentai dolls out of bread next

cold in las vegas

But what heated it up was the AVA, or the Adult Video Awards. The clips they show aren't lame dramatic pieces. No. The clips they show are girl-on-girl-on-guy-on-girl in quad penetration with monkeys. Yes, monkeys. I think it ought to be televised like the Emmys or the Grammys. Shit, it's got to be better than any award the BET and put up.

Some photos.


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

and now for not eating our children

The times of cavemen is extremely boring. Outside of definding yourself constantly from wild animals and other tribes after your women, there is very little left to do with all that time. No TV, no radio, not even a good book to cozy up to. What's a caveman to do with all that freetime? Watch each other.

Appearantly they do that a lot. Enough that a meseum in Mexico has dedicated entire display for this kind of interesting human history. First I thought they were watching each other taking a massive dump. The truth is slightly less facinating. It's child birth.

They also had a picture of cavemen eating their fallen friends. Why let good, servicable meat go to waste?

holy shit! that stool looks like baby jesus!

aborted fetus makes a great snack

And you can chew right through the bones too...

This is real, or, at least, the authenticity of it is highly debateable. Koreans eat Kimchi, not Kim's unwanted Child.

Pic pilfered from this site.

you are what you eat...people

Monday, January 09, 2006

one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater

Okay, so it doesn't fly nor is it purple. It does have one eye, and is quite creepy. I'm guess depth perception is going to be a problem for this kitten.

Honestly, if you look at the eye long enough, it almost seem like a butthole that's about to pass a marble.

meet new X-men member - Albino Cyclops Furry Man!

Friday, January 06, 2006

the flak I catch

My post about certain ungrateful bitch isn't so well received and I'm catching shit for it. Some of the flak I get is from people I actually care about. So this sucks ass as much as a hungry homo would out of a butthole that just got some cum splattered into. Not nice.

Where do I stand on this? I stand tall. This is my blog and this is what I think at the time I wrote it. My opinion may change, and my feverent devotion of the funnies keep me from giving a shit about what a shitty person thinks. Change, and I may also alter my opinion. Don't change, and bring pressure to me via other sources means that I am assured of my initial assessment.

So I live. Happlily in my ways. Because life is really short, and other peoples opinion really, in the end, don't amout to scrap.

Opinions are like assholes, everone has one and they all stink.

I can, and will, dislike and hate who I feel like, and make summary judgement thus. So FUCK YOU!!!!!