Tuesday, August 30, 2005

jesus died so we can have fun at his expense

Oh how does on pass those dull times spent on the internet and remain a true follower of the Christ? Temptation is all over the 'net to lead us astray. We strain, muscles tightened, so as to not click on the free porn offer. But some release is needed. Oh lord Jesus, how do we find some diversion on the internet without perusing kiddie porn? Please, God, grant this sinner a wholesome sacrament in the form of entertainment!!!

And the Lord giveth...Jesus Dress Up! Too long has our savior the Christ been portrayed as a hash smoking hippy in loincloths stapled to a cross? It's time to dress him up. Give our Lord Christ a proper set of bunny slippers and a change of underwear!

because I'm not going to hell fast enough... Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 29, 2005

your vice is my hobby

I wonder... If you take a cow milking doohickey, turn it upside down, find four guys who likes to play poker and blowjobs, wouldn't you have one hell of a time? These automatic cow-teat suckling machine are just the answer! Shoot, if I'm calling the sperm bank to see if I can market these to their doners as a no-frills, enjoy the company of your buddies and provide for the needy-women-with-blank-shooting-husbands (or lesbians) with seed stock gadgets.

By the way, I found this particular contraption at the Tillamook Cheese Factory. They make better cheesses than any hairy legged, no shower taking, war losing, wine sipping, whinny and generally unpleasant uppity Frenchies any day.

it's a party for 4, or 4 parties for 1 Posted by Picasa

Friday, August 26, 2005

world's longest relay race

Off to Hood to Coast for the weekend. It's the world's longest relay race. They go from Mt. Hood to Seaside, travsering, what in my car, at 60 miles per hour, would take about 4 hours. Each person runs 3 legs and rage from 3.5 to 8 miles each. The course go through downhills, uphills, paved road, forest, gravel, and freeways, traveling from 6000 feet to sea level.

Yep, it'll be a good party at the beach.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

enables transgendered person to discreetly pee while standing up

Women, rejoice! No longer do you have to contend with penis envy as you wait in line for the port-o-potty, bladder near bursting with urine, and watch the men saunter up to the side of the building (car, someones leg, middle of the road) and let go a stream of steaming pee. No longer do you need to hover above a dirty toilet and risk getting pee all over your hands, arms, and legs. Yes, women, you too can enjoy what made men better than you - the ability to pee standing up. Men are more productive solely because we take a lot less time to urinate than women. Yep.

Buy your P-Mate now!

caught on film - pants down! Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

engrish 101

Click on the picture below to see a bigged picture.

Ran into this old gentleman strolling around the Summer Palace in Beijing. The big blue letters say "High Nice", not sure what it means, so I took a picture. It was only when I got back I finally read the other words there.

The logo is obviously a Puma rip-off, in this case, it's "Puman". The red letters above say "Sports Rarely", so I guess this line of clothing is catered to the apathetic atheletes. The funny thing is, it's a registered trademark.

I love you, Chinese people.

counterfeit clothing, counterfeit translation Posted by Picasa

home security

I recently pull a gun on three teenage kids because they thought it was fun to park their car on my front lawn. After they were scared off, I called the cops and reported their license number. Last I hear, the driver was arrested and I'm sitting on the option of whether or not to charge him with home invasion. Damn I hate punkass kids. Kinda reminds me of myself...

Speaking of guns and bone penetrating hollow points, it reminded me of the full automatic fun shoot held locally here. It's a powerful feeling to spew out high velocity lead at a high rate of fire. Looks like I missed it this year - maybe next time.

Full Auto Fun Shoot

excercising my right to bear arms Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 22, 2005

wisdom of the day

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

napolean al-dynamite yankovic

This is supposed to be a Napolean Dynamite mask. Somehow it looks like Weird Al Yankovic to me. I think Weird Al is funnier.

Napomite Dynalean

the vacuous, vacant look is so en vogue Posted by Picasa

Sunday, August 21, 2005

never drink stale beer again...unless you really have to

Ever do a little cleaning around the house and find some unopened beers laying around? Ever get that trill of playing Russian roulette by opening it up and take a big swig? Yeah, me too. Though most beers are pasturized (meaning old beer shouldn't kill you), a 3 year old beer that's been going through second and third fermentation in the warmness of the garage can taste mighty bad. How bad? Seriously bad, like eating the kernels of corn I just popped individually into your sister's ass. That's how bad.

Well, thanks to the miracles of cornputers and the internet, the freshness of that beer your just found is only a few key clicks away. Check out Beer Buddy - they strive to "keeping you safe from what's in your fridge". Pop open the site, enter the brand and serial number and voila! Now you have to tool necessary to make intelligent choice whether to drink that beer you found under the couch, or risk DUI and drive down to the store for another six-pack.

I once drank a can of beer with cigarette ashes in it... Posted by Picasa

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I like my food meaty

Oh those crazy people at PETA. Spending all their time campaigning against the collective desires of people everywhere to chew, swallow, and digest healthy, tasty, juicy meat and meat by products. They call Burger King "Murder King". Clue, I'm thinking, is not something people at PETA have in great abundance. I guess solving famine, war, pestilence, and the protection of our borders from illegals just around important enough. Pam Anderson is a PETA spokesperson. She's packing two nice slabs of breast meat there. Tommy Lee is also a PETA guys now, and he's hiding a 15 inch salami his his drawers (see Pam and Tommy's Honeymoon Video).

I've seen plenty of meat substitutes - Tofurkey, veggie burger, chicken and steaks made from tofu and mushrooms. Somehow I never ran across vegetable substitutes. I think there is a market for it. Imagine, kids everywhere eating brocolli made from beef, carrots from salmon, and pork califlowers. Yum!

Oh, and this site is pretty funny. Go see it.

because it's tasty, stupid! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, August 18, 2005

mike tyson to star in porn

The article reads (translated) "With a 35 centimeter penis, Tyson to star in porn to pay off 150 million dollar debt". It's from Sina news in Taiwan, so I have no way telling the accuracy of the report. Quick search at Google news turned up nothing.

Now, 35 centimeters is about 13 3/4 inches. Mike Tyson is what, 5.5 feet? His ding-dong is 1/5 of the length of his body, or 1/2 of his reach.

I guess I can see him in a porno. I guess I can even watch it, as long as Tyson don't have any speaking parts.

I can hardly stand looking at him much less seeing him in porn Posted by Picasa

get your own slanty eyes today!

Do you fine the act of sexual intercourse too laborious to produce a child? Adopt! China has a nearly unlimited number of people willing to have sex on your behalf and, at a nominal price, give you the finished product. You choose Fedex or UPS.

Watch the video, it's hilarious.


children, the cheapest source of labor Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

don't mess with the Singy's

Singapore is a beautiful island nations on the southern tip of Malaysia. It's beautiful because it's under a benevolent dictatorship. Singaporeans are proud of the fact that chewing gum in public can get you caned. Spitting on the ground? A caning. Pay for your food without exact change? Ditto.

But don't say they didn't warn you. T-shirts of what'll get you caned is at every 7-Eleven and most of the malls. See, when you enter the country, they even tell you what'll get you put to death.

lesson 1: don't get caught Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

the capital of any state


"I know the capitals of all the states. Go ahea, ask me, I know them all."

"Okay... What's the capital of Wisconsin?"

"That's easy. 'W'."


how to properly reuse condoms (and it don't have to be yours!)

Economy is not doing well, and what with the gas prices reaching record highs, it's hitting everyone's pockets pretty hard. Unfortunately, we need our transportation, we need food, we need water, and most of us also need sex.

But promiscuous intercourse with multiple anonymous partners is dangerous these days. If you need proof, just read about Brian on the post below. So we use condoms to keep our sex life healthy, and help keep our gentialia in good working condition. Problem is, condoms aren't cheap - and if you go through a box a day, it gets expensive awful quick. The habit is worse than tobacco and alcohol.

Solution? Recycle and reuse, my friend. That's right, pick up those half-filled condoms from your floor, or raid your roommate's garbage can if you hadn't had action lately. Rinse them out in soapy warm water, make sure you use some kind of anti-bacterial detergent. Since we can't toss the little bugger in the dryer, make sure you hang them to dry - it'll also help take out the wrinkles.

Remember to hang the drying condoms in a place in plain view - tell the world that you are helping reducing the dependency on oil (ummm...I think latex comes from oil, right?). It might just help you pick up some tree hugger chicks with hairy armpits.

save earth, reuse condoms!Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 15, 2005

what not to do when you are the last customer of a cheap hooker

Below is a picture of my friend Brian. His actual name is Wen-Chih, but nobody can pronounce it properly, so we started to call him Brian. As you can see, he likes to put his mouth around things.

Lately he developed this rash on his chin, right below his bottom lip. It's red and somewhat scabbed over, kind of nasty like. When asked Brian says he doesn't know how it happened. One of those mysteries of life, he presumes. Some speculatated if he was involved in a drunken brawl and got punched so hard in the mouth he simply forgot what happened. Others think that cause less grandiose and more realistic - he got drunk, went to use the toilet, passed out en-route and knocked his lips on the rim of a piss covered john.

I, however, speculate otherwise. See, I think the rash is not from some blunt force trauma but rather something more viral, like herpes of the entire lower jaw. And this is how I think he got it.
Brian got drunk (see a theme here?) and horny. It's early in the morning, and he found a hooker outside of MLK and 3rd. It's her last trick before she turns in, and Brian is on his last $20 bucks. He paid for the lady, and during the course of drunken love-making, decides to eat her out. The combination of his saliva and the bodily fluids of the previous 20 tricks infused and combined into something much more sinister.

Brian denies this. He's also hit me a few times when I tell people we just met the story. Truth hurts.

I'm happy to report, however, after laying off the practice of mouth-to-crotch on cheap prostitutes, Brian's chin is healing fine. We'll see if he has a relapse...

now he wishes that ashtray is all he put his mouth around Posted by Picasa

Thursday, August 11, 2005

fish and drink beer

What man wouldn't like it? Drink beer and fish. If you don't catch any fish, at least you know you'll catch a buzz. Use these bottle cap fishing lures only enhance the experience, and make you look studly in your drunken buddies eyes.

To cater to those snobbish who drink wine, I think we can make a bobber out of the cork.

Beer Bottle Cap Lures

go ahead, buy a six pack Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

my best friend's wedding

Ray (center) was married last week. This is the guy who wears nothing but vulgar cartoon t-shirts, ripped jeans, and sandals with short white socks. His goatee used to be 8 times the current length and almost always had food stuck in it. But he's my best friend and he takes me hunting, fishing, and was one of the two persons responsible for sending me down the path of perpetual alcoholism (the other one is Ken, left).

The wedding was outdoors and we had great weather. The lineup was a bit pale, but I think I added the right splash of color. Hell, I might even consider a new career as a professional wedding diversity guy - not too dark like a black guy, but adds the right color so people don't mistake the wedding for a klan gathering.

Congradulations Ray Ray!

we did the impossible, we married off Ray Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 08, 2005


Women are complicated creatures. When a woman has a problem, they don't want the man to solve the problem. No, they want someone to simply listen. They completley disregard the fact that a man is built to solve problems and not sit through lengthly episodes of emotional dialog, epecially those that they caused.

Also, Women misuse common English words. When I was younger, I thought Feminism was all about women being more feminine. Great! I support that! Boy howdy was I way off that mark.

Women want a guy (normally, unless they gay) that's strong, indenpendent, have a job, can stand up to his mother, and all that masculine stuff - and yet - that man should also be soft, tender, and senstivie to her needs.

That's a tall order.

I don't think I recall any of my friends say that "You know, my wife cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, and keeps the house spotless. I just wish that she go out and get a full time job, have an occational threesome with her sister and I, and don't question where I was off too last two days."

true...true... Posted by Picasa

where do you want them to go today?

Bangkok, Thailand - a place reputed to be the world's red light district. In the Patpong district of Bangkok, you can stroll down the same street to buy counterfeit Louis Vittons handbags, turn around and see a sex show where women shoot out ballons with blowguns not using their mouth. Right. Down the street a bit more and you have a host of hostess bars. And if you are more adventurous, one more block and you're in the gay area where lots of older Europeans men pick up young Thai men. I'd show some pics but I've been told to keep my side somewhat work friendly.

the reputation of Bangkok is justly deserved Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

would you like that bug with whipped cream?

I've seen this on other sites, but this is my own photo. Taken in Danshiu, a small port city north of Taipei, Taiwan.

There was three buckets of beetles, bugs, and other crawlies in the front. In the back there are jars of other kinds of six-legged protein bars. It's kind of nice, takes the work of eating out of the equation - pop one in your mouth and let it find its own way down the gullet. Who has time these days for all the chewing and swallowing?

nothing like a cup of hot beetles to start the day Posted by Picasa