Friday, July 29, 2005

umbrella condoms

Southeast Asia is known for its torrential rains in the monsoon season. Just ask Forrest Gump. The resulting wet mess dripping off your tool isn't something anyone wants to step into. Enter condoms for your umbrella - except this one you put on after you're done.

because if you don't use it, the drippings make a disgusting mess Posted by Picasa

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Taiwan - manufacturer of bio-terror weapons

While we spend all this money of combating terrorists and bio-chemical weapons, little did the world know that a small country (or a subsidiary of China, depending on political viewpoint) in Southeast Asia is manufacturing bio-weapons in such capacity that they can be purchased through street-side vending machines.

In Taipei, near the C.K.S. Memorial, one can purchase a can of "Root SARS" for mere US$0.50. Take it to a crowded place, and imagine the mayhem that ensues.

Why CDC and WHO spent millions tracking SARS is unknown to me. Look like I found the root cause of it.

Oh, it tasted pretty good too.

all the SARS you need, in a can Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

two of every animal

I was just thinking...when Noah took two of every animal into the Ark, did he bring any fishes with him?

flight 666, ready for take off

I knew there is something about me and the number 666. All my emails end in 666, my bank account number has 666 in it, and I see it everywhere. My flight to Taipei, Taiwan is, guess what, flight 666. The non-Christian in me said its just a coincidence, and there really is no god or hell. But the practical part of me said "yeah, but it's no reason to piss either one of them off".

After security check-in, they gave me a sticker with the number "666" on it for my carry-ons. I kept the sticker to commenorate the first fight of hell I took. Incidentally, the flight was comfortable, service was excellent, and the stewardess something good to look at.

"I'm on the Airway to Hell..." Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

how to properly pick thy nose

Though often regarded as disgusting, a simple poll would reveal that most people, at one time or another, is either picking or have just gotten done picked their nose. Oh what treasure we dig out of this mysterious facial orifice. And how fortunate that most of us have two nostrils so that when we enjoy the pleasure of emptying one, we can savor the fact there is another waiting for the picking.

I like it when I have a running nose, and I pick out this long stringy loogey looking slimy thing about 6 inches long that seems to have been coiled in my nasal cavity. It actually clears my nose out and tickles the back of my throat.

For the art of nosepicking, see The Fine Art of Nosepicking.

" odd it is that a society intent on being open about masturbation still considers nose-picking to be a taboo subject..."

I just hope that ass picking doesn't become vogue.

Nose picking: rhinotillexomania (look it up) Posted by Picasa

bang your head

Whether its a final report due in 2 hours or work deadline I haven't started...sometimes this is just how I feel.

Monday, July 25, 2005

elephant riding in Thailand

I rode an elephant outside of Bangkok recently. It's quite an experience. The elephant is 40+ years old, and its hide is thick with long pokey hair. I sat right behind her head and almost fell off. It was a 45 minute ride throught the jungle and swamps. Really cool.

his hair is tickling my balls Posted by Picasa

Sunday, July 24, 2005

give me little love

I see a lot of my friends on eHarmony, Yahoo, and other online dating service. Most of them don't have what some would call "good looks". Well, it's not that they are missing functional body parts, have visible deformations, odd speech inpediment, or suffer any other distinguished communicable medical disabilities. It's just that they are sometimes bald, maybe a bit overwright (ideal weight + 150%), not Brad Pitt-ish in looks, no job, a combination of all, or sometimes all of the above.

But that's not why I'm blogging this.

I wondered just a moment ago, how do little people (i.e. dwarfs, midgets, pygmies) do for online dating? Just my luck, first search and I found it, the Little People Meet network! I haven't logged in since my festish lies elsewhere. But it is nice to know that the web caters to all walks of life.

Next I plan to search for online dating for the big and tall, quadraplegics, people without employment, or maybe dating service for necrophiliacs.

everybody needs a little love now and then Posted by Picasa

Saturday, July 23, 2005

the strip club


"Dude, I went to this stripclub - totally nude!!!"

"Of course, my balls kept on sticking to the seat..."


Thursday, July 21, 2005

tatoo ideas for your mother

People get tatoos all the time. It makes a statement - and that statement is "I'm ain't good at making or recon'ing art or nothin', but I sure am willing to let someone poke me with needles and make permanent marks all over by body."

Alright, that's a bit harsh. But why get a tatoo everyone has? Most people don't like to see others wearing the same shirt as them! You need something unique. Something...Asian. Yeah - tatoos with Chinese characters are all the fad. It'll set you apart from the other freaks who settle for the pedestrian, like flower or flaming skulls.

Let me suggest, if you have any females in your life, like your mother, sister, daughter, wife, girlfriend, that they get one of these four very unique chatacters. It's set them apart. Better yet, since you recommended this very cool tatoo, you'll apear refined, scholarly, and worldly.

Here they are - copy it, blow it up, print it out, and demand your local tatoo guy/gal make it permanent on a loved one.
  • 臭屄
  • 賤貨
  • 破鞋
If you want to know what it means, and I assure you that you don't, check out this link.

I calls it like I sees it Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

rednecks in Boise

I'm in Boise, Idaho, for a couple of days. They call it City of Trees. Except that I don't see many trees. It's more like City of Desert and Barren Rocks. It's Mormon country, except I see more people drink beer in the middle of the day than San Francisco. There is this main road called Chinden, short for Chinese Gardens, that used to be where they place Chinese immigrants some 50 years ago when it's was vougue to discriminate people based on their work ethic.

Anyhoo. Boise reminds me of rednecks, even though it's nowhere near Alabama. But it does have a charming, largest gathering of neo nazi's in this state.

I hate anything "neo". But here is a picture of Boise "Redneck" pet carriage.

this is one beer I don't want to tap Posted by Picasa

free online pool game that actually good

Of all comanies, Oreo gives up free pool game online. It plays 8 ball, 9 ball, and many other virtual balls except yours. And it's actually good.

Because, when I think of playing pool, I don't think of smoky bars, smells of stale beer, sounds of idiotic bravado, cheap women, and, of course, Oreos.

Free Oreo Pool

its better than pocket pool Posted by Picasa

Monday, July 18, 2005

artificial camel toe

Because it is so attractive, 80's style. Packing yourself into jeans that's just a little to tight, and riding a little too high to reveal chubby love lips between the thigh. The Camel Toe Cup allows any woman, in any pants, to get that full lipped look without choking the ovaires out of the uterus. The premium Cougar version even doubles as a bottle opener!

hi, do you smoke? no? then why are you packing camels? Posted by Picasa

virtual sightseeing with google maps

Why pay for airfare and get hassled by homeland security rent-a-cops? How about long lines in the queue on a hot summer afternoon with a group of Frenchmen? Ever smell the breath of a German just after a big beer-n-schnitzel? Screaming kids? Outrageous prices at all the attractions? All pleasant memories, I'm sure.

Enter Google maps. What with the satellite imagery and the purdy pictures and search you favorite locales and all, you might just never ever really have to go see the real thing.

But if you are lazy like me, you realize that its tedious to search for sights when others must have already put forth the time and effort to do so. In that case, check out Google Sightseeing and you neve have to get out of the house.

our country - erect Posted by Picasa

Friday, July 15, 2005

double or triple bag?

It's funny t-shirt time. Wear one of these to make a statement, and that statement is low brow humor, trailer-chic, Joe-sixpack, and that's how I likes my women - two bags for her and one bag for me just in cast my cousin walks in on me.

Sinful Shirts

daddy said "you'll do", and then you happened... Posted by Picasa

Thursday, July 14, 2005

are you annoying?

Are you annoying? People never call you to do fun things? Do they look at you with faint distain? Do you feel people don't respect your thought process? Is your name Roy?

So how do you really find out if you are annoying or not? How about taking a quiz - make that 4 seperate quizes that will tell you, definitively, how annoying you really are. Here are some of the sample question:

they also have a great collection of people scientifically voted in by anonymous internet users as annoying. Go and see if you or someone you know is there.

Take the Am I Annoying Test and See If You Know An Annoying Jerk

riding little red's costume

I was looking for a holster for my cell phone when I came across this. In addition to making furry pussycat costumes for my mobile phone, they also make tight little costumes for furry... never mind.

Check it out

sure I'll play the wolf...but I don't think we'll be sticking to the script Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

this place is mighty dark

This is the world of broad daylight...

...the irony...

I have discovered the world of darkness Posted by Picasa

Monday, July 11, 2005

dirty feet bothers me

I just read an article on Sina about "10 Things Women Should Not Do In Bed". It's a good read, if you can decipher Traditional Chinese. I supposed you can cut and paste the article into Google or Babelfish translators, and attempt to piece together the gibber-English-hilarity that ensues. The link to the article is here.

Here is my quick attempt at a summary:
1. Don't make fake noises, such as fake, screaming orgasms.
2. Don't be like a "dead fish", move and enjoy. Even rape victims struggle. (this is from the article)
3. Don't talk about your daily routines, trials and tribulations in the act of lovemaking.
4. Mind the smell - brush and shower. Nobody likes to eat garlic and have sex at the same time.
5. Don't bring up fears of pregnancy or marriage in the middle of the act.
6. Turn off the TV. He don't want to think you are looking at David Hasselhoff...
7. No yawning.
8. Wear makeup - especially if you're ugly without it.
9. No farting. It destroys the mood.
10. Others - no laughing, make sure you know the other persons name if you're like to call them out loudly...

On a side note, I realized that in lots of porn the women have dirty feet. It's like they walk around the set barefoot, put on the high heels for a shoot, and when the shoes come off the sole of their feet are black.

I hate that.

wash your feet before getting into bed Posted by Picasa

the healthy human flesh food alternative

There has been lots of talk about alternative sources of food. Seems like we're running out of the stuff or something if you believe in these doomsayers. Last I checked, both Safeway and Fred Meyers were fully stocked of the kind of things I like to eat. What's the panic, huh bub?

But I do see that, for the taste enthusiasts, how the regular staples of beef, chicken, pork, fish can get stale and boring. Heck, I've eatensnakes, dogs, crickets, scorpions just to wake up the taste buds. However, I soon find even the more exotic forms of sustenance quickly become pedestrian.

In my hours of culinary darkness, I find this, the health alternative of eating human flesh! I'm booking a flight to Fiji and hooking up with the local guide to sample some people meat. Here is a sample menu item:

"Serano Nanito - These native dumplings filled with hufu (or human flesh), sago and yam are prized for their taste as well as their ability to make you fierce and brave in tribal combat."

Eat Hufu - The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative

he's not only my guide, he's also my chef and butcher Posted by Picasa

Friday, July 08, 2005

dating a homeless girl

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

When the date's over, you can drop her off anywhere!

Mwa ha ha ha ha!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

3 Days in the Hospital

I landed back in the US on June 24th with a eye infection that mysteriously appeared during flight from Tokyo. The customs agent at Seattle took one look at my puss-filled eye and waved me through - "Looks like you had enough without me hassling you." That was nice.

What isn't so nice is the near 102 degree fever that came on that night. My body ached, I couldn't sleep, and I think I was hallucinating half the night. I was cold, then I was hot, then I was cold again. My sheet was soaked with sweat. I swallowed half a bottle of ibuprophen and it didn't help. I finally pass out due to a combination of shock, exhaustion, and jet-lag.

I woke with cramp in my stomache. Not the kind of cramp that you get when you drank too much or ate bad food, but the kind of pain that William Wallace (as played by Mel Gibson) must have felt when he was cut open and his guts pulled out while he was still alive. It dropped me out of bed and into the floor - I stayed down on the floor for 45 minutes before I called the hostpital.

3 days and bunch of stool, urine, and blood samples later, I was sent home. I begged them to keep me in the hostpital where I was administered morphine every hour. If they have to send me home, I argued, I should get my very own self-administerable morphine. I was given some Imodium and sent home. Bastids!!!

Bed rest and liquid diet became the norm for the next couple of days. I get a call from my doctors office saying that I should go to the pharmacy immeidately and get my anti-biotics. Now! So I drag my ass to the pharmacy, where the pharmacist is under instructions to see that I take two pill right then and there. I didn't argue. I just want to get back to bed.

Today I got a call from the Health Department, Communicable Disease group. I have Campylobacter Jejuni virus.

"Most people who become ill with campylobacteriosis get diarrhea, cramping, abdominal pain, and fever within 2 to 5 days after exposure to the organism. The diarrhea may be bloody and can be accompanied by nausea and vomiting."

At least I wasn't sick overseas. Thinking back, I must have gotten this somewhere in Bangkok. I ate some crickets, a cockroach, fresh fruit, and drank some liquor with ice in it. Didn't eat anything I didn't eat when I was in Taipei, and Tokyo is as safe as the US. Yep, it must have been Thailand. Dammit - it must be Thailand.


Time to hit the can.