Saturday, May 27, 2006

eating a

Since I was a wee little child I have picked up starfishes from beaches. They are pointy, hard, and look like the ninja stars that my mother refuse to buy me.

And that's what makes them great. It's nature's frisbee. We throw them at things. Never have I thought they were edible. Never meaning until this trip to Wanfujin in Beijing.

As I wonder through the stalls of exotic foods, noticing with great passe of the foods I've alread eaten, I cam across a tray of pink five pointed wonders. Amidst a plethora of bugs, cocoons, entrails, snails, and other critters, is my beloved childhood toy - star fish.

One wonders how star fish does taste. I did. I imagined it would taste something like gravel wrapped around sand. But imagination must, at sometime, coincide with a healthy dose of reality. At 8 yuan, or a simply US dollar, it is too hard not to purchase one and give it a try.

One bite, and there it is as I have imagined. The vendor took a fresh starfish on a stick and submerged it into a wok full of hot oil. few minutes later, she handed it to me indicating I should eat it while it's fresh.

Gravel wrapped around sand, in my mouth. It is exactly as I have expected. As I pondered the cost of my next dental visit whilst grinding down my molars, I noticed that, throughout the 100 meter or so of food stalls, I am the only one eating a starfish.

There are these homeless people who have been picking food out of garbage nearby. I have witnessed these people pulling out half-eaten squid and consuming it with aplomb. I walked over to one of these less fortunate than I, and proffered my textured treat in an offer of sustenance. He laughed at me and threw it in the garbage.

I will not eat another starfish.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

the slinky dildo song

What rolls down stairs?
Alone or in pairs.
And makes a buzzity sound?

Its long, a schlong.
A marvelous dong.
Everyone knows its Dildo

What fits in a sock?
Feels better than cock?
And unlike a man, it's slow?

It vibrates a bit.
Feels great on your clit.
Everyone Knows It's Dildo!

Its Dildo! It's Dildo!
It's big. It's fleshy. It's ribbed
Its Dildo! It's Dildo!
Yes. That's right. It's ribbed.

What fits in your crack?
Some even have sacks
The penis you don't have to blow

They're not just for gays
They use double A's
Everyone Knows It's Dildo!

A Dildo dog
A Dildo plane
Many more vibrating toys

You turn the knob
They buzz and throb
Feels great in girls and boys

What makes you cum?
And fits in your bum
Some of them even can glow

A dink. A dink.
In marvelous pink
Everyone Knows It's Dildo!

A long fleshy tube
Use oil based lube
Not just for neighborhood ho's

For a girl on the go
With no time for a beau
It makes for a perfect fellow

They're Dildos! They're Dildos!
The sex toy everyone likes
They're Dildos! They're Dildos!
For gay men and even for dykes.

Now you got the lyrics, go see the movie.

The Dildo Song Music Video

dildo, the slinky of the new millenium

Thursday, May 04, 2006

my fair brady

I ran into my friend Brady a few days ago. Appearantly he found out that I bought a Solstice and thought that his beloved Mini Cooper may pose a challenge in a contest of motor manliness. Of course I'm no rally car driver and Brady, at 9+ feet, has to keep his sunroof open just to see where he is going. I'm pretty sure that at the first turn, his exemplary height will have unbalanced the center of gravity of his Mini and tip over in a ditch somewhere.

I have blogged about my friend Brady regarding how he regularly enjoy a healthy dose of midget porn. Now I don't have a picture of him but I think the attached photo is a good close approximation.

the new Brady Bunch

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

no more cinco de mayo

In protest of the May Illegal Immigrant march, I am protesting against these immigration line cutters by not purchasing Mexican products.

That's right, this Cinco de Mayo, I vow to drink only domestic beers!

cinco de miracle whip

Monday, May 01, 2006

Lamborghini Murcielago

It was a very nice afternoon here in the sunny portion of the Pacific Northwest that is Vancouver, Washington. I decided we should go for a drive to the Bonneville Dam to see the famed sea lions that's been gobbling up our salmon supplies. Something about a very poor count at the fish ladders on the news, I guess. The route is I-14 - winding, twisty, and various elevation changes. We carved through one lane roads nestled between evergreens that open up to grand views of the Columbia River. This is what I expected of a Sunday drive.

I waved at every convertible that I came across, saddened briefly that none of them was another Solstice. Many Mustangs, Audis, Miatas...

Then the road straightened, and up ahead I see a silvery sliver of a car that I couldn't immediately identify. As it drew closer, I realized that it was sitting low, and glimmered a metallic silver that I've never seen before. Could it be another Solstice? I have never seen another outside of the one I climb into every day. I momentarily hold my breath as the other car come into focus.

It was not a Solstice. It was a three-hundred-thousand dollar Lamborghini Murcielago Convertible. By the time I realized that the stunning piece of price-of-my-house-on-wheels was it was upon me. Instinctively I turn my head and raise my hand to wave. My hand pauses in mid-air to the realization that the owner of the Lamborghini is also sideways staring at my car. His hand came up in a wave, and we echange a smile and a nod.

It was a good afternoon.