Friday, April 29, 2005

secrets not proud of

PostSecret has a collection of secret confessions...

"Each secret can be a regret, hope, ,experience, unseen kindness, fantasy, belief, fear, betrayal, desire, feeling, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before."

Need more? Check out Not Proud - a text based confessional.

creepy... Posted by Hello

Thursday, April 28, 2005

a word on semen

Ever wonder about the semen that we wastefully deposit without second thought? What's the caloric content of the ejaculate? How about its protein content? Any essential vitamins or nutriuents? Whats it taste like? *Well, I can ask a few people about the taste...hmm...maybe I can just...nah...I'd probably gag...*

A little research on the web, and some interviews via IM, here is what I have found.
  • Sperm counts for only about 1% of total semen
  • Average sperm count is somewhere between 100 and 600 million wigglers
  • Some of the contents of semen include: ascorbic asic, waster, sugar, calcium, chlorine, magnesium, nitrogen, vitamin B12, zinc
  • A tablespoon of semen is about 25 calories
  • Some 5% of women are allgeric to semen (I guess that's why they gag)
  • Kiwi, celery, and watermelon makes the semen lighter tasting, where beer and coffee drinks are said to have bitter-tasting ejaculate; fish gives it a buttery taste
  • The protein content is roughly that a of a large egg
Most of the semenic nutrients are found in foods supporting a good diet. However, if you find spermine and uric acid in your veggie burrito, you probably should have words with the Mexican short order cook.

About the salty, bitter taste? Check out Semenex- the only product for men proven to sweeten semen. "(Semenex) tastes a lot like liquid pumpkin pie. I was really surprised!" Sez one of the clients, whilst making his organic human protein shake.

There you are. Armed with knowledge and power - go forth and sow the seeds of good taste.

hmmm...semen...sweet, sweet semen... Posted by Hello

guess the pill

Can you tell which pill is which? Do you know which pill is the happy pill and which isn't? The only person I know for sure that would know is Mo. But Mo isn't here...

which is mo fun?Posted by Hello

don't mind the moisture, it enhances the taste

Because one is never enough.

its the nurishment that sustains us Posted by Hello

how to fake a real rolex

I think I have my title wrong. Oh well. Too lazy today.

I recently went to China and came back with a bunch of watches. I didn't think a $15 Rolex can be real, even for the grey market. They look good, and I even sold one for $50. But I had to know if these Roli (plural for Rolex) are real.

According to QualityTyme's "Identify Counterfeit Rolex Watches", mine failed every single test. Now that I know what to look for, I'm even more convincing - "Oh no, the real Rolex don't have that logo - see - mine doesn't have it!"

it's real....a real fake Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

castration is not a cure for smoking

Removal of the genitals by means of castration, whether voluntary or involuntary, will ultimate result in difficult lifestyle changes. The Eunuch Arvhice provides a forum for people with omitted sexual organs to share experiences, relive the stories, and offer tender advice on how to walk the dog, ride a bike, or massage balls.

You just can't find reading like this in the morning papers.

"Soft massage of my balls etc. is a wonderful experience for me."

"I told him that his cock would really look better with out those big balls hanging there."

"Then I watched as he grasped my penis by the head and carefully lifted it off of my body I screamed NO!!!!!!!!!"

Oh yeah... Good times...

bill and ted in meheecko

Following my tradition of undying love of all things Mexican. Here is another shirt I would wear if I were an Mexiholic.

It's all for you, brother Oscar!

for my undying love of Mexico Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

idle desktops

Ever wonder what your desktop is doing while you're away? No, it's not downloading the porn you queued up last night nor commandeered by some fourteen year old hax0r to participate in the determination of current breast size of Linsey Lohan. It's better than that.


iconoclastic wars Posted by Hello

Monday, April 25, 2005

is the king creepy or just me?

The series of Burger King commercials make the king out to be some psycho stalker ex-girlfriend...

See it again.

I'd be digging my pillow for my 9mm right about now... Posted by Hello

kiss me softly

Sometimes some things are just gross. This is one of them.

BTW - I went to eat at Hung Far Low over the weekend. It was surprisingly good.

from the book of British smiles Posted by Hello

Friday, April 22, 2005

george jr's second term

Head over the Jib Jab to catch Geroge gloating over his second term. How I missed this in the frist place I have no idea. But here it is.

Second Term

Also, check out Jib Jab's new Matzah.

heese our prisondent... Posted by Hello

chappelle on skates

Because Dave Chappelle show needs more publicity. Because UPN can't be the only station broadcasting black people on TV. Because bad skateboarding is really comedic.

Chappelle's Skate Bored

like Black Gallagher, meet Black Tony HawkPosted by Hello

sign around where I live

This has been around the web for a while. Just want to clarify - this is real. I've been there. It's in Portland, Oregon. Yep, Hung Far Low is an actual place you can visit in the States.

really, they do Posted by Hello

Thursday, April 21, 2005

happy weddings

My friend Corey is getting married soon. I hope this doesn't happen on the wedding day.

maybe we do hope this would happen... Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

would you like some carapace in your diet?

Take a large tarantula and few slices of bananas. Put them in a food processor. Turn on food processor. Make shake. Drink shake.

You get the idea.

spider cider

blended spider shake Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

self-administered shemale test

Think you're pretty good at telling if she's a he or he's she? Well, instead of spending time with your buddies at the local cross-dresser tavern testing out your straight-dar, here is a simple, easy to do test.

it almost doesn't matter... Posted by Hello

Monday, April 18, 2005

best beer name ever?

why I like beer Posted by Hello

Friday, April 15, 2005

an open letter to my friend

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

(thanks to Mark H.)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

virtual bartender 2

Alrighty then... Remember Virtual Bartender where you can order a rack of boobs and a sliver of ass? Well, what's better than one hot bartender that's willing to take your orders?

Two, of course!

Check it out! Virtual Bartender 2.

two is better than one Posted by Hello

Thursday, April 07, 2005

late nite

You have to see this...

Late Nite

think I just found my groove Posted by Hello

loose lips

Grab a camera, relax you faces, whip you head about violently (like a shaken baby), and take a photo of yourself. If we can only get several hundred people to do that and post them...oh wait, here it is.

Shakeskin - a gallery of shaken faces

shaken, not stirred Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

foods that I crawled its way into my stomach

I ate a lot of different stuff in Beijing and Shanghai. I will post some here when I can find the time to load up Photoshop and crop the pictures. I had a great picture of the beaver Mark had but I seem to have misplaced it...

yummy! Posted by Hello

redneck hottub

Redneck hottub, courtest of my friend Joe, who is my source of all things redneck since he is from Weezer, Idaho...and he best friend Don is from Burley. They often take photos of themselves and send to me.

thats Joe and Don in the tub Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

bovine rectal palpation simulator

Because a real cow might not like rednecks sticking arms, elbows, and shoulders up their butts for shits and giggles, the creative minds at Glasgow created the next best alternative. Now both the cows and rednecks are happy - cows don't have to put up with uninvited suppository and the rednecks don't have to violate no laws.

I heartell that Jimmy "Bubba" Bobby Smith over at Mobile, Alabama lament that the mechcanical bovine rectum just "don't rightly replace the real thing".

See it for yourelf...

that guy's hand is in a fake cow's ass Posted by Hello

fat due lip sync, part deux

They did it! They made him famous! The fat dude that lip synched to the Haducci song "Dragostea din tei" (lyrics here) is now Flash enabled in American Idol style. They captured him pretty good on the new video, but somehow I think the actual guy is much more mesterising to watch...something with the way his face giggles...

numa numa, american idol style Posted by Hello

hip hop done right...with a retard!

Finally, someone has found a use for those people with missing chromozones - let them rap! No longer do retards entertain us with their appearance and demeanor alone. They have a sense of purpose. They can earn their money and no longer have to be a societal drain. If you liked Chingy or Ja Rule, you'll love Slo Mo.

Listen to Slow Mo

Some select titles: Unintelligible, Why Am I This Way, Fit Of Retard Rage, I Got My Pants On...(All By Myself).

Trust me, you'll love it.

retarded's still better than hip hop Posted by Hello

Monday, April 04, 2005

try and avoid bullets

This just facinates me - small object travelling at high rate of velocity crashing into everyday objects. Makes me wish I had a high speed camera and the permission to fire my guns in the cul-de-sac...

banana ballistics Posted by Hello