Thursday, December 29, 2005

wipe, don't shake, after you urinate

I recollected how I first discovered the difference between boys and girls... I was 5 or 6 years old at the time. We had a group of friends who hung out on the back streets in rural Taipei. There is a rice paddy off to one side, some hills, and a pond where we catch tadpoles. One day the girl in the group needed to pee, and the boys wouldn't let her go home. So there, next to the pond, surrounded by prepubescent young men, I found out the first mystery of womanhood. They squat to piss. Subsequently, they also wipe, rather than shake. Interesting.

I recollected that event not be cause of latent pedophilia, but rather because I was cleaning my bathroom a few weeks ago. While on my hands and knees wiping the bowl that has served so faithfully, I realized that, geez, the floor, the bowl, even the cabinet next to the toilet smelled like...urine. A little investigation and a good soaping of the tip of my nose, I realized the culprit:

Men shake after peeing, and the act of shaking leave dew-like droplets of pee in a circumference measurable by the vigor of shake.

In this case, it was a wide circumference.

"How do I combat this vile act of soiling my bathroom and subsequently having to disinfect my taint?" Thought I long and hard. They I realized the solution was given to me as a young child!

Wipe! Yes, rather than shaking it off, wipe it off. This is illustrated below.

taking a lesson from female hygiene

Wiping not only reduce the urine particulates left on the unintended bathroom surfaces, it also is a sure way to make sure no hangers-on get absorbed by the underwear, or the occational jeans should I go commando. I'm a genius!

Penis wiping pic stolen from the site "Male Intermitten Self-Catheterization". But that's for another story.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

you might be a red neck

Came up with this watching the Redneck Comedy Hour on Comedy Central...

If you were having hot sex, and your mother yells...

"When yer done, tell yer sister to come help with the dishes!"

You might be a Redneck...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

why only women should enjoy that fresh cleased feeling

Deep in thought about gender inequity late one afternoon nursing a feverent hangover, I came upon the act of douching. Women douche to get that moutain fresh deep cleansing after a night of anomimous unprotected sex with men who don't shake properly after pissing. Men, we get to scrub our testicles with steel wool over the sink after being the twelveth man in the party tramp to for a sperm fight.

No, the closest men comes to douching is being called a douche-bag. And that's just wrong. Poking around, of all places, I came up with a gender nutral douche. The Anal Douche!

But somehow I think this isn't the product I'm looking for. Since straight sex, for me, never ended in hershey highway robbery, I fail to desire to clease my colon when my weewee is in more dire need of a warm medicinal soaking.

Maybe I'll look for a male urethral douche. But that sounds like it would hurt more than the Brillo pad and Lava soap option. Suddenly, I don't care so much...

massengil for the other hole

Friday, December 16, 2005

gay cowgirls

Put two gay cowboys on screen, and you get an award nomination. See Brokeback Moutain as two strapping young cowhand find true love in each other's sphincter. But it's okay. It's true love.

I say BS! Put up a lesbian cowgirl flick and people say it's porn. Take your girlfriend/wife/other to see gay cowboy love and you are Mr. Sensitive. Take the same to see two cowgirls smacking all four lips and you are the nasty pervert. What inequitable society do we live in?

Power to the men! More women-women-women love on the big screen!!!

And why didn't Uma Thurman win an Oscar for Even Cowgirls Get the Blues?!?!

slick wet canyons

Thursday, December 15, 2005

a burning cross in the front lawn

Burning down a Christmas tree in the front lawn makes a good party, lots of warmth, and a joyous occation for the neighbors. What better way to dispose of dried, oil rich, wooden fire hazzard that is a month old pine/fir/plastic tree?

Somehow, burning a cross in the front lawn can get you arrested. Aren't they the same religion symbol? Reminds of a song my friend Ray used to sing...

"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas bright your branch's burnin'!"

pic pilfered here

a burning christmas tree is not the same as a burning cross

some bitches aren't worth my time

I live my life and try to help those in need. I helped this woman from Montana who had been abused by her Mexican sex partner to live where I live. He explored her asshole like those who made the English-France tunnel. I gave her shelter for almost a year, and provided, without any cost, water, electricity, housing, and complete freedom. How sad I am to find that the bitch is completely selfish and took advantage of my house.

The filthy whore.

Yes, she likes it up the ass. She likes it with as many people as I have fingers, and then some. Whores cost more money than her.

I say the above because I feel used. She was lost and without a place to stand her ground and I took her in. Without any appreciation, the bitch with the loose caboose turned on everything that I hold near and dear.

So there, Stephanie Crouse, loose cunt that you are, who has taken my good graces without so much as a decent apprecation. Fuck you, die, and never, ever, shall your bitch ass ever take from me any pity. May you live a life of unappriciative usage by men, loose bowels from anal plumbage, and general unhappiness from you lack of self esteem and wholly uncontrollable stupidity.

Happy life to you. This is the last time I will ever be near it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

...and we killed him back...

Is it me or does tookie (criminals don't deserve captialization on thier names) look a lot like James Earl Jones? Must be me...

This killer deserved killing, too bad it took 20 some years to get it done. Given the time for the appeals, this joker wrote some childrens books. Of course, childrens books automatically absolved one of all past murders. He's done such good for the world (says al sharpton and jesse fucking jackson) by turning a few kids away from gangs, all the while creating one of the most vile street gang that killed thousands. Oh yeah, this guy is both a martyr and a saint, just like osama bin laden.

Someone said "according to Ghandi, 'an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind'." According to fact, and not some long dead peacenik in backwaters India, tookie took out 4 sets of eyes. And taking out one set of his seems more than just.

Execute on, USA! Make me proud to be a red blooded, meat gobbling, beer guzzling, world dominating citizen!!! We rul!

one less drain on society