Saturday, October 29, 2005

a bouquet of penis

Valentines day is long past, but that shouldn't prevent you from giving flowers to your singnificant other. Hey! Hows about a nice bouquet of penis flowers? Sorry, I mean a penis made of flowers.

Have your girlfriend or gay lover take a deep wiff. Depending on the gender of the recepient, it can smell either like sweet vaginal nectar or hershey highway road rash.

this penis flower smells like a pussy willow

Thursday, October 27, 2005

jesus, the foremost sado-mascochist

I'm all for being tied up and endure slight physical abuse for sexual arousal as the next guy. But hey, no one can top being crucified, poked with a spear, and whipped like a Roman criminal like Jesus. He is the original S&M extremist.

Then again, he is our lord and savir and all that. What with the shroud of Turin, appearing on toast, and dying for your sins. Jesus needs release. He's got to be frustrated since Mary the whore is long gone by about two thousand years!

Well now you can stick it to the man like the Romans did. Whip him, poke him, twist his nipples. Remember, he died for your sins. But that don't mean you can't enjoy him once in a while.

bled our savior for thy amusement

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

halloween approaches...

Halloween approaches and I get this pic sent to me. It looks like someone is giving birth to the famous porn star Ron Jeremy. Funny, I thought Ron Jeremy only plunged vaginas with his enormous penis, but it is still funny to see a wee little blonde hide the entirely of Ron's hedgehog-like body.

Somehow I never cared for Halloween like I did when I was a child. The thrill of receiving candy from strangers has fled me somehow. I rather sneak into their houses at night and spend my time watching their facial expressions as they dreamt. It somehow seems more personal this way.

giving birth to Ron Jeremy

Thursday, October 20, 2005

full service loo

The proud communist party will have you belive that a toilet can have a 4 star rating just like the Hyatt. The service is beyond belief. A maid will clease your toilet prior to your taking the throne. The sound and scent you extrude will be muffled by folk music and sweet incense. When you're done, a dainty little caretaker comes and wipe for you. Just make sure you have the leg strength to stand half-erect while someone is rimming your anus with rough silk.

at a 5 star toilet, you don't even need to wipe your own arse - that's how clean it is!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

place your ad here...

It is fitting that the US national monument, which has always stood for American penis might, is now bespeckled with a drapery of Trojan. No, not the mighty warrior who sacked Troy, but of the ribbed and studded variety. Well, now at least when we go around fucking other countries, we are well protected from their filthy diseases.

Corporate Logos Everywhere!

the fallac envy of the rest of the world

next up, Fallujah Hilton

also good with fries

Monday, October 17, 2005

crispy dog, fried right from the womb

This is the world's ugliest dog. It looks like a rat that I found in my garage, shaved with an Epilady, then dunked in some cornmeal and fried after hours at a local KFC where my friend worked. Somehow it also has an eerie resemblence to the martial arts master in Kill Bill.

I am fighting the urge to write something about how I'd like to see a beastiality flick starring this ugly dog and Charlize Theron, doing all the ungodly things that only two flaming gays, a tube of carboard, and a dozen ferrets under the canopy of a lunar eclipse.

Oh well, maybe another time.

Picture stolen from Puptastic!, but it's also all over the 'net.

but it still tastes like a rat...err...chicken

Friday, October 14, 2005

felating a whale

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

A: You send in four skin divers.

Get it? Foreskin divers...hahaha

fuck you it's Friday

Thursday, October 13, 2005

erotic cake

As Homer Simpson said "hmmm... erotic cake..."

That gal is actually is Smurfette from the Smurfs that we captured, tortured, painted a pale skin color with latex paint and impaled onto a cake for our enjoyment consumption.

Pretty twisted, huh?

next shot, a hole in the cake

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

a wedgie for your pudgie

"A wedgie is a schoolyard prank in which one person grabs the back of the waistband of another person's underwear, while he or she is still wearing them, and pulls them up. This wedges their underwear between their butt cheeks. A wedgie can be painful, depending upon how hard it is... more..."

And when you do it really hard, really quick, over and'll earn her loving juices all over your hands.

she secretly creamed her undies

strange cricket girl

I'm sure some medical tragedy this young lady has lived what with her torso seemingly twisted 180 degrees. But somehow I feel oddly tingly... I can do anal and face her at the same time and she's no Mary Lou Retton?! Jesus I'm sick...

Oh yeah, more odd people here.

oddly, it turns me on

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

birthday wish - a cataclysmic blow job

My birthday is coming up, and I want a big candle on my cake. In fact, I am wishing for Mount St. Helen's to blow up on my birthday. Nothing spectacular, just some brimstone and fire in the sky, and an ash trail visible in China will do.

Hey, natural disaster can be fun. As long as the people hurt isn't me. We had tsunami in Indonesia, flood in New Orleans, earthquake in Pakistan. I'm beginning to feel left out.

Oh, this pic I took in my friend's plane after a six pack of beer.

come on, explode already - you know you want to...

spotted signs: no dumping while in a skirt

Taking a shit while wearing a skirt sans toilet is prohibited.

Showing your ass in a scatological act in public is still a-OK.

public ass showing through a skirt prohibited

Friday, October 07, 2005

drink beer - because it's better than drinking urine

I watched a show on people drinking urine for its health benefits. I think I'll find some pictures of it one day. But today is Friday, and I'm off to drink some beers...

drunks are an incredibly creative lot

beer that guarentees you bush

Drink beer, get bush. That's a promise. At 12% alcohol content, its going to get you into a plush she-bush or a sonny boyish man-bush. Savor the flavor of the perfume of hops tinted with a bit of whiskey, and later the scent of clams and chocolate highway.

Oh you Hershey Highwayman, you...

Bush Beer

beer and a kind of date

Thursday, October 06, 2005

100% pure steven seagal juice

I'm mostly gassy all of the time. I've learned to control my rectum and let gas silently seep out throughout the day when I'm around people, leaving little warm pockets of stink for others to enjoy. When needed, I build up a New Orleans destroying butt burp that at once let a fotunate target experience category 4 winds and the sweet scent of anal halitosis.

So why would I want to drink Steven Seagal's Gas? That's what this perplexing softdrink is all about. It's the Gas of the once famous greasy hair over actor. Oh, if you don't real Chinese or Kanji, that's what the character in the middle says "Air" or "Gas".

wrap your mouth around a can of steven segal's excreted vapors...yummy

public penis measure project

Click on the image below to get a larger picture. Print it out. Measure youself, your father, your gay brother, or the co-worker you suspect of packing a Johnsonville in his or her trou. Now you know definitively how you measure up.

Ladies, for fun, take this picture with you to the next bar crawl and see how many John Holmes you can find. Between Dirk Diggler and Mini-Me, you might just find the right size for you.

Pic ripped from this site.

post your results here

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

old, but still usable celebrities

Will that trophy celebrity wife of your still be a viable alternative to viagra and a hole in a ripe pumpkin 40 years from now? Will Jessica Simpsons ginormous areolas swing like a grandfather clock? Will Paris Hilton's axe wound be so documented that scientists can create time-lapsed photos? Will Tom Cruise finally come to the realization that Scientology really is based on a science fiction book like the Bible and the Koran, and not based on fact?

Well, the site When Celebrities Age can answer the first two. The last question will have to be answered by osama bin ladin, when GW finds him.

Oh yeah, here is Gwen Stefani. Aged yet somehow still...arousing...

hey baby, move your extruded rectum over here and let me gum it!

please lord, depart me from thy followers

Hey Jesus. If you are going to take your followers to wherever you take them, can you do so quickly? Really. Fuckers that say shit in your name is really killing me. They knock on my doors to give me "The Watchtower", talk about some guy named John Smith and the Moron Church? Take your kiddie molesters and go, dude! Please! They bother me. Let me smoke, drink, and watch bestiality in public without judgement! I like to see high school kids fornicate on school grounds as I video tape them for later use. Underaged Girls Gone Wild rules!!!

pat robertson, jessie jackson, al sharpton - why the fuck are they all black?

a whore new diet

Dieting is easy. Take in less than you expend and simple body mathematics will take care of itself. Genetically disposed to be fat? Move to Ethiopia; where not a single fat person is in sight. Why? No food = no fat. No one in Africa can show the crack of their ass by just bending over to pick up a stick (the stick being the most techinically advanced device in that region). Of course, these apply only to those who actually are wearing pants.

There is, however, a rich protein shake brewing in a man's pants. Low in calorie, high in vitamins, and eager squigglies itching to wiggle down your throat. Yes, man juice. You can take straight off the tap, or from a vulcanized rubber container if you feel the man is less than, shall we say, wholesome. The nutritional details of man goo is listed here. Just make sure to take in every lasting loving drop.

Oh yeah, this chick below has the idea. See her at Consumption Junction.

tasty and healthy, ladies

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

ms. asia pacific

I felt dirty after posting about self rectal digging and my friends slapping meatcycles on each others lips. To up some un-gay testosterone, I checked out Ms. Asia Pacific. Whoa! Very nice. My only questions is that one of them has blonde hair and looks white. But I guess Aussies are part of the Asia Pacific. Enjoy.


mystery gum

Talk about false advertisement. Not only did I not get high once chewing this, one of the flavors tasted like stale toe fugus.

The caption above the "?" says "Guess! What's Flavor?"

I'm guessing its whatever the is in the dictionary under "flavor". Oh I love English none speakers.

mary jane flavour is my favoured

wonder gay powers, activate!

"It leaves no bad taste in the back of the throat," the one on the right said to the one on the left.

In case you wonder, that's Devan and Mark, in that order. When not merrily decorating the halls of Justice League, they happly prance about crossing swords making a meat slap choir in a manner befitting the Wonder Twins.

Brian took the picture. I believe he was even less clothed at the time. Good thing I decided to go for some self-help ejaculation and missed the whole thing.

the ambiguously gay duo

Monday, October 03, 2005

not work safe

My friend Mark said my blog isn't work safe. I asked him which one? The fat chick? My bald head? The occational semi-nude pre-op transvestite?

No, he said. It's the picture of prostate exam he takes exception with.

To which I say - self administered prostate exam is a live saver, not vulgar!

But Mark does have a point - Choose a female doctor with slender fingers if you have big knuckles.

soft tissue cup holder

When a beatuful woman pick up a rolled up dollar bill off your face with her breasts, it's a wonderful thing. When she squeeze her cleavage revealing the flesh sandwich that same rolled up dollar bill, you wish you were Mr. Washington on that dollar. Yes, men are pigs. And we like our boobs.

The picture below, however, is very much different.

But I'd still ask to see her boobs.

because it's oh-so-much effort to have to hold the cup