Monday, May 30, 2005

small, tight, leather thongs for women...

Phone Thongs, for the discriminating woman who doesn't want to appear as the white trash slut that is Britney Spears walking around with her underwear riding hight outside of her jeans, can now do so with good taste.

Now they just need to make Phone Speedos for those banna hammock wearing Europeans and ass crack phone holders for the good ol' American plumbers union.

Phone Thong

I'd like to see her wear just the phone thong Posted by Hello

Saturday, May 28, 2005

this will become you

this just disturbs me... Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 26, 2005

trouser cough and other names

I seem to be running into lots of poo and ass stuff lately...hmmm...subconscious, what's up?

Farting is a naturally occurring biological phenomenon. It is one of the identifiers that separate the living from the dead. But simply calling it "fart", "busting ass", "pass wind" seems so mundane. There has to be more creative ways to describe gastronimical repercussion.

Well, here are a few:
  • anal accoustics
  • brown-body radiation
  • fanny halitosis
  • rectal turbulence
  • couper le fromage
Need more? See FartNames.

it's not a fart, it's aerosolized stool... Posted by Hello

women - america needs your help

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not a wife, this Saturday afternoon at 2:00 pm. Eastern time, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's okay to see other women nude. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation. God Bless America! Come on guys, get out there and support the gals as they root out the terrorists hiding in YOUR neighborhood!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

you need to get that checked, man

Ever taken a crap so hurtful that you had to stand up and take a look-see what came out of from between the cheeks? You you have. Ever be amazed that such magnificient speciment of excrement was the only thing constructive you made all day? Of course. Ever want to yell - HEY! Come and see my POO! You know it.

But the multiple social norms that you would violate by inviting family, friends, and coworkers to stand before the pot to see your intestinal sausage prevents you from doing so. Not to mention that, by standing up and checking out your work, you completely forgotten to wipe and you know you'd be wearing that brown streak for the rest of the day.

Here is a site where you can take a picture of your poo in the privacy of your stall, and let everyone in the world admire in quiet astonishment. Submit yours. I did mine.

exhibit 11a - a large colon worm Posted by Hello

Monday, May 23, 2005


"...these are called ‘dakimakura’, hugging pillows, or dutch wives and are quite popular among the geeks, dorks, nerds, dweebs, jugheads, eggheads, gaywads, dickwads, dorkwads, dingbats, cretins, shut-ins, and socially inept of Japan." -Link-

Thats my friend Brian way in the back, tenderly making out with his pillow of Sailor Moon.

pedophilia with underage anime girls Posted by Hello

why kanas?

A friend of mine decided he is moving to Kansas. Seems that he bought a plot of land, and will live in the double-wide for the meantime. The goverment somehow pays him money for not farming the land since he is near some river/creek - environmental kickbacks or somesuch.

Why the fuck Kansas? The only thing I know of Kansas is Bill Clinton and some band with the same namesake. Didn't Dorothy hail from Kansas? Tornato alley? Trailers? Why? Why?

I hate to lose a friend to the state of Kansas. I hope a twister destroys his trailer and he has to move back.

match made in heaven Posted by Hello

Friday, May 20, 2005

how does fat people do it?

We all heard jokes of dudes so fat they haven't got a clear look of their purple-headed-one-eye-trouser-snake for years. Then we see women so largethat we wonder with her legs wide open, do her thighs still touch? Shit, how do they enjoy a steamy round of sweaty fornication? Not that anyone is obessed, but geez, our curiosity must be sated.

Here is a pic to get you going. This is taken from a feature documentary on Discover of the underground over 300 lbs wife-swapping sex cult.

Hey - God gave us procreation, and even the rotund are entitled to hear the sounds of fat balls slapping on loose thighs.

And if you resemble the bearded man below, and want to know how to shed the Crisco underneath, here is a site that offer a solution: How To Lose Weight Easily.

I really didn't need to see this...thought I share the blindness with the world Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 19, 2005

asians have it worst

Move over you browns and blacks, the yellow man has something to say. Here is the unabridged truth of the plight of the Asian Man.

"The ironic thing about this whole situation is that Asian Guys actually Kick Ass. We're smart, loyal, witty, innovative, goal-oriented, well-behaved, and contributing members of society who don't need to whine and have a parade (I'm looking at you Puerto, Rico) or a million man march just because we're a minority and opressed by "the man" and everyone needs to hear what a hard freaking life we have or how much pride we have because we're a minority or any other such nonsense like that."

what do you say to a woman with two black eyes? nothing, you already told her twice. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

my friend patrick is pretty hairy

Looking at the hairly dude photo from last Monday, and looking at my friend Patrick...

You know, Patrick is pretty hairy. I wonder is that's a picture of him?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

tools for man

Figure 15. Reading Machine.

"Causes Man to grab the nearest publication and pour over its contents with real intellectual thirst. Induces moments of quiet reflection between articles."

Read the entire Man Tools manual.

Check out Figure 27,
Reproduction Documentor.

"With this clever invention, Man can videotape and distribute over the internet the pivotal part of his own reproductive cycle."

men shall triumph Posted by Hello

Monday, May 16, 2005

sometimes you just have to say to the world

kiss my hairy ass Posted by Hello

Monday, May 09, 2005

that's a load of crap

I'm officially keeping an image of this in my wallet. Next time someone gives me some BS, I'll just show this picture.

manly shit Posted by Hello

chat with god

I was always a bit agnostic because I get this feeling that God simply doesn't really pay much attention to me. I mean, when's the last time we have a meaningful conversation? I can't even remember when He miracled me up something really nice, like the 250 million dollar Megamillions ticket.

Of course, I realize it probably because I don't make the effort to rise out of bed every Sunday and go to church. Its a lot of work, and I'm quite lazy. Waiting in line for the confessional is like waiting to go use the port-o-potty at the carnival - there are lots of fun stuff around and you just want to get it done as quickly as possible, and hope the last person didn't leave a stink bomb.

Through the miracle of internet, someone has found a way to tap directly into God's computer. Meet the iGod - repenting made easy. I made my confession to please our lord. You should too.

my private confession Posted by Hello

Thursday, May 05, 2005

full of protein, in a tasty broth

Sometimes little cocks in large numbers...I have nothing...

Bet it'll go great with Jussipussi.

nothing like a wet cock Posted by Hello

jokes about women

Some jokes I heard recently regarding women.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month.

When a man gets asked by a woman "Does this make my butt look big?", saying "Yes" is not the worst answer.

The worst answer - "I dunno, let me step back and take it all in."

(boooo! boooo!)
It takes a woman 35 years to reach her sexual peak.

It take a man about 4 minutes.

That's why we get more shit done.

(boooo! booooo! boooooo!)

*Johnny has left the building*

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

jesus wasn't only european, he's also a huge MLB steroid abuser

On sale - Jesus as the Incredible Hulk.

Right after he posed for this oil painting, Jesus proceeded to pound some Romans, tapped Mary Magdalene, strangled Judas, went to North America and founded the Mormon church before appearing on toast and water stains for the next two thousand years.

big bad Jesus Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

and now...other uses for KY Jelly

What are some alternative uses of KY Jelly other than rabid butt love? Here are some ideas:
  • Not recommended for crowd surfing at Bush concerts.
  • You rub it all over your body so when giant beetles and blood sucking monkeys attack you, you slip right off!!!
  • Applied to a beer-bong, eases insertion of the tube directly into the stomach.
  • Apply a small amount of K-Y Jelly to dental floss to remove unwanted hairs from the teeth.
Want more? Here's more.

tastes better than vasoline Posted by Hello

sign spotted

One thing good about communism is that they clearly tell you what you can't do. Take a look at this sign outside of Temple of Heaven in Beijing. Third row, thrid column - no AK47's. First column, fourth row appears to be social commentary about beastiality...

glad the rules are clearly spelled out Posted by Hello

Monday, May 02, 2005

butts on faces

I bought one of these Butt Face towels as a white elephant give last year for a Christmas party. While the white people fought over a cheap looking Louis Vuitton knockoff bag (aren't they the ugliest looking things?) a group of Thai people fought over the towels like it just came off the wet body of Jessica Alba.

For the past 6 months I've been asked where I obtain the towel. I finally got around to look it up. Funny how some people still don't know how to Google.

Baron Bob's and the Butt Face Towel

its her face on my butt Posted by Hello